Angry Seafood

Ever wonder about the history of things most people wouldn’t give two craps about? No? Ok, well I do. This is the first in a series of occasional blog posts helping clear up where some of that miscellaneous stuff comes from.

The History of Parsley

It is that green leafy plant used as a decoration on food in restaurants. Some people will actually eat it, like old fogies who lived through the Depression and still waste nothing today. They will eat the leather of their shoes instead of throwing them away because people starved back in the 1930’s.

But did you know parsley was the driving force behind US western expansion?

Back when there were just thirteen colonies there was a massive parsley shortage. While war never broke out, tensions were high among the citizens. Good news arrived when the Lewis and Clark expedition revealed vast fields of parsley in what is now the Great Plains. Well, I guess that is was it was called back then but they didn’t have a fancy name for it like we do now. The Indians probably called it ‘Green Bush on Food Field’ or something like that.

So everyone flocked west and fought the natives off, taking their bounty of parsley crops from the previous summer as well as their fertile land. It wouldn’t be until the Gold Rush in 1824 when the growing United States of America would again see such intense migration.

This is also why there are no Native American cuisine restaurants.

Next time on ‘The History of Stuff’…The History of Naming the Great Plains.

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Go there to look back at funny throughout time.

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Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to mock yet another topic dear to people’s hearts: pet funerals.

We have come a long way since the days of burying Fifi in the old Adidas shoe box in the backyard that is for sure. I remember when my first pet died when I was like eight. We had a goldfish and one day it was gone. We had no idea what happened until a few days later when my mom discovered the corpse under the couch while vacuuming. The cause of death was ruled an suicide, the fish jumped out of the tank.

At least that is what my mom said. But there were no witnesses and the burial happened too quickly for the autopsy to be performed so we will never know.

Maybe I need to call Cold Case or something.

On a side note did anyone else dig up their dead pets a few weeks later to see what happened? Okay, maybe that was just me. I was curious I guess.

Poor Fifi.

But now this whole thing is getting completely out of hand. This is a shot from an actual pet funeral:

Humans have less attendees at their funerals. Somebody’s pet parakeet chokes on a sunflower seed and it is a bigger event then when the Pope dies.

And of course business has hopped on board with high-tech equipment for cremation: The SmokeBuster 650. You have to wonder what kind of people come up with huge machines designed to turn dead pets into ashes at the rate of 5-7 an hour. They must have had one hell of a childhood.

“Jimmy, are you putting the cat in the oven again?”

“Umm no Mom…”

So Jimmy has grown up and with his desire for macabre and the oven, he looks for a market for his strange desires and finds this franchise opportunity:

Do you dream of owning your own business? Being your own boss? Picking up dead animals, conducting funerals for Fido, Tabby or Mr. Whiskers, burying or incinerating them the respect and dignity they’ve earned, and cashing big tear-stained checks before they dry?

Who hasn’t? Now, through the Pet Dreams Memorial Center license opportunity, you can get all the benefits of owning a real funeral home without all the government regulations, big, heavy bodies, and general creepiness. Not to mention, cool profit centers such as “Keepsake fur clippings,” “ceramic paw prints and nose prints,” and “do it yourself” funeral service options.

Yah, who hasn’t dreamed of that? But if you think that is weird, look at this picture:

Am I the only one who thinks taking a picture of your dead pet is creepy? What if he was the new guy in the adjacent cubicle at work?

“So what is that picture on your desk Bob?”

“That’s my dog Spot.”

“Is he dead in that picture?”

“Yes”

“Okay, well I have to go now. Think I have a meeting or something to go to.”

Humor-blogs.com loves animals and funny humor blogs. Go there now or
God will kill a kitten. That old gag. But I’m not kidding. Neither is God.

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So this idiot Payam Sabo drove his 2008 Cadillac Escalade onto the beach in a California town to watch the sunrise. You can clearly see the results in the above picture. The best part is that the police gave Payam a citation and a Department of Motor Vehicle license re-examination form. There are many reasons why you get them but this is the one that clearly speaks to the situation:

“A law enforcement officer who stops you for a traffic law violation or is at an accident scene in which you were involved, and you appear to be an unsafe driver.”

Personally I think Payam was paying tribute to Ted Kennedy by re-enacting his idol’s infamous Chappaquiddick incident. Problem is he didn’t bring a woman with him and he wasn’t on a bridge. At least he won’t have to wear a neck brace.

Photo: Mike Erickson, San Clemente Marine Safety

Humor-blogs.com cannot afford an Escalade but they have funny humor blogs.

Coming Tuesday afternoon: My take on pet funerals. Yes,
finally a blog post with like a lot of words and stuff.

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If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!