Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to mock yet another topic dear to people’s hearts: pet funerals.
We have come a long way since the days of burying Fifi in the old Adidas shoe box in the backyard that is for sure. I remember when my first pet died when I was like eight. We had a goldfish and one day it was gone. We had no idea what happened until a few days later when my mom discovered the corpse under the couch while vacuuming. The cause of death was ruled an suicide, the fish jumped out of the tank.
At least that is what my mom said. But there were no witnesses and the burial happened too quickly for the autopsy to be performed so we will never know.
Maybe I need to call Cold Case or something.
On a side note did anyone else dig up their dead pets a few weeks later to see what happened? Okay, maybe that was just me. I was curious I guess.
Poor Fifi.
But now this whole thing is getting completely out of hand. This is a shot from an actual pet funeral:
Humans have less attendees at their funerals. Somebody’s pet parakeet chokes on a sunflower seed and it is a bigger event then when the Pope dies.
And of course business has hopped on board with high-tech equipment for cremation: The SmokeBuster 650. You have to wonder what kind of people come up with huge machines designed to turn dead pets into ashes at the rate of 5-7 an hour. They must have had one hell of a childhood.
“Jimmy, are you putting the cat in the oven again?”
“Umm no Mom…”
So Jimmy has grown up and with his desire for macabre and the oven, he looks for a market for his strange desires and finds this franchise opportunity:
Do you dream of owning your own business? Being your own boss? Picking up dead animals, conducting funerals for Fido, Tabby or Mr. Whiskers, burying or incinerating them the respect and dignity they’ve earned, and cashing big tear-stained checks before they dry?
Who hasn’t? Now, through the Pet Dreams Memorial Center license opportunity, you can get all the benefits of owning a real funeral home without all the government regulations, big, heavy bodies, and general creepiness. Not to mention, cool profit centers such as “Keepsake fur clippings,” “ceramic paw prints and nose prints,” and “do it yourself” funeral service options.
Yah, who hasn’t dreamed of that? But if you think that is weird, look at this picture:
Am I the only one who thinks taking a picture of your dead pet is creepy? What if he was the new guy in the adjacent cubicle at work?
“So what is that picture on your desk Bob?”
“That’s my dog Spot.”
“Is he dead in that picture?”
“Yes”
“Okay, well I have to go now. Think I have a meeting or something to go to.”
Humor-blogs.com loves animals and funny humor blogs. Go there now or
God will kill a kitten. That old gag. But I’m not kidding. Neither is God.
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by Jeff, on May 20 2008 @ 5:22 pm
I have to admit, that’s a first for me. So far (luckily) I haven’t had to attend a pet funeral, other than the ceremonial burying of a hamster in my backyard. But that open casket dog thing is just stupid.
Jeffs last blog post..Yeah, but will it run on skim?