Posts from — May 2008

“Give me something bizarre to play or put me in a dress and I’m fine.”

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~Harvey Korman, 2005

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One of the humor greats, Harvey Korman died Thursday at the age of 81. He was a multiple Emmy-award winning actor and a regular on the Carol Burnett Show for ten seasons. I grew up watching both the new and old seasons back in the 70’s, when there was UHF which showed reruns of just about anything, and it helped shape my sense of humor as a child.

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The best part was watching Korman try so hard not to laugh. This clip is a hilarious example:

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Here is another one, the classic ‘Speedo Airlines‘ bit:\par
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He was Count De Monet in History of the World Pt I using his classic ‘get the name right’ gag as well as an old pun:\par
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But my favorite role was his most famous, Hedley Lamarr, the evil politician in Blazing Saddles. Here he is talking about all the evil types of people he wants for his gang of criminals, including Methodists:

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And of course the infamous pie fight scene in the Hollywood Commissary:

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A western comedy where the climactic fight scene spills over into the actual movie studio. Why can’t they make movies like this anymore?

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Like Mel Brooks said, a world without Harvey Korman is a more serious one. We will miss you Hendley.

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Humor-blogs.com is the #1 humor blog directory on the internet. If\par
you go there they will put $5 in your Paypal account. Seriously.

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In college I had to take a class called \’e2\’80\’98Positive Mental Attitude\’e2\’80\’99, or PMA. The teacher was one of those people that was always happy no matter how bad life got. There was always a bright side. If her car broke down and she had to walk ten miles to work while seagulls and pigeons crapped all over her, she would simply say \’e2\’80\’9cWell at least it didn\’e2\’80\’99t rain\’e2\’80\’9d or \’e2\’80\’9cAt least I didn\’e2\’80\’99t get raped by midgets\’e2\’80\’9d.\par
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She even had conjoined twins. I am not making that up. I guess she is someone who needed a PMA but I really wanted to see her go through PMS once in a while just so I didn\’e2\’80\’99t think she was an alien or a psycho hopped up on Prozac.\par
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I never went back after the first day because the class smelled like patchouli oil and I already had a PMA. If I didn\’e2\’80\’99t have one I would not even be in college. I tried to argue this to get out of the class but was unsuccessful, took a zero and the hit to my GPA.\par
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There are still wackos like that teacher in society. Take Sharon Stone for example. Last week she implied that maybe if the Chinese were nicer to Tibet there wouldn\’e2\’80\’99t have been an earthquake.\par

“I’m not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else…and then this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and then I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?”

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Maybe if China thought more positively of their smaller sibling country hundreds of thousands of people would have lived. We should have sent that teacher to Bejing to teach those mean people a lesson according to her.\par
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We have seen what a snatch shot in a movie did to Sharon\’e2\’80\’99s acting career so she might have a point about karma. Still, I think members of the SGA are a little too full of PMA.\par
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On a side note, Sharon Stone sounds like like one of those stoner girls back in high school that liked getting drunk and having sex with anyone. I guess going from that to acting isn’t too much of a stretch. Unlike her coochie…wow did I just go there?\par
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How about people who think we will have flying cars someday? Imagine what it would be like if there was an up-and-down part to the process? Never mind the DMV issues, we don\’e2\’80\’99t drive well on the ground. They never told us how many traffic accidents there were on the Jetsons. People jump in and out of flying cars in ‘Star Wars III: Garbage Dump of the Trilogy‘ so much it is like the sky is one big jungle gym.\par
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We already believe in the fiction that passes for news these days on FOX, MSNBC, and CNN so it isn\’e2\’80\’99t much of a stretch for people to think they can do crazy things in real life.\par
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Hey person who thinks this can happen: stop thinking positive. You aren\’e2\’80\’99t Anakin Skywalker you dipshit. Pull that crap and you’ll end up DOA.\par
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Sorry, that was being too negative. Perhaps I need to go back to college and take that PMA class after all.\par
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Humor-blogs.com always thinks positive about\par
humor blogs, especially ones that are funny.

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Ever wonder about the history of things most people wouldn\’e2\’80\’99t give two craps about? No? Ok, well I do. This is the first in a series of occasional blog posts helping clear up where some of that miscellaneous stuff comes from.\par
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The History of Parsley\par
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It is that green leafy plant used as a decoration on food in restaurants. Some people will actually eat it, like old fogies who lived through the Depression and still waste nothing today. They will eat the leather of their shoes instead of throwing them away because people starved back in the 1930\’e2\’80\’99s.\par
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But did you know parsley was the driving force behind US western expansion?\par
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Back when there were just thirteen colonies there was a massive parsley shortage. While war never broke out, tensions were high among the citizens. Good news arrived when the Lewis and Clark expedition revealed vast fields of parsley in what is now the Great Plains. Well, I guess that is was it was called back then but they didn\’e2\’80\’99t have a fancy name for it like we do now. The Indians probably called it \’e2\’80\’98Green Bush on Food Field\’e2\’80\’99 or something like that.\par

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So everyone flocked west and fought the natives off, taking their bounty of parsley crops from the previous summer as well as their fertile land. It wouldn\’e2\’80\’99t be until the Gold Rush in 1824 when the growing United States of America would again see such intense migration.\par
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This is also why there are no Native American cuisine restaurants.\par
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Next time on \’e2\’80\’98The History of Stuff\’e2\’80\’99…The History of Naming the Great Plains.\par
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Humor-blogs.com has a history of funny blogs.\par
Go there to look back at funny throughout time.

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Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to mock yet another topic dear to people\’e2\’80\’99s hearts: pet funerals.\par
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We have come a long way since the days of burying Fifi in the old Adidas shoe box in the backyard that is for sure. I remember when my first pet died when I was like eight. We had a goldfish and one day it was gone. We had no idea what happened until a few days later when my mom discovered the corpse under the couch while vacuuming. The cause of death was ruled an suicide, the fish jumped out of the tank.\par
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At least that is what my mom said. But there were no witnesses and the burial happened too quickly for the autopsy to be performed so we will never know.\par
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Maybe I need to call Cold Case or something.\par

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On a side note did anyone else dig up their dead pets a few weeks later to see what happened? Okay, maybe that was just me. I was curious I guess.\par
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Poor Fifi.\par
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But now this whole thing is getting completely out of hand. This is a shot from an actual pet funeral:\par

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Humans have less attendees at their funerals. Somebody\’e2\’80\’99s pet parakeet chokes on a sunflower seed and it is a bigger event then when the Pope dies.\par
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And of course business has hopped on board with high-tech equipment for cremation: The SmokeBuster 650. You have to wonder what kind of people come up with huge machines designed to turn dead pets into ashes at the rate of 5-7 an hour. They must have had one hell of a childhood.\par
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\’e2\’80\’9cJimmy, are you putting the cat in the oven again?\’e2\’80\’9d\par
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“Umm no Mom…”\par
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So Jimmy has grown up and with his desire for macabre and the oven, he looks for a market for his strange desires and finds this franchise opportunity:\par

Do you dream of owning your own business? Being your own boss? Picking up dead animals, conducting funerals for Fido, Tabby or Mr. Whiskers, burying or incinerating them the respect and dignity they\’e2\’80\’99ve earned, and cashing big tear-stained checks before they dry?\par
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Who hasn\’e2\’80\’99t? Now, through the Pet Dreams Memorial Center license opportunity, you can get all the benefits of owning a real funeral home without all the government regulations, big, heavy bodies, and general creepiness. Not to mention, cool profit centers such as \’e2\’80\’9cKeepsake fur clippings,\’e2\’80\’9d \’e2\’80\’9cceramic paw prints and nose prints,\’e2\’80\’9d and \’e2\’80\’9cdo it yourself\’e2\’80\’9d funeral service options.

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Yah, who hasn’t dreamed of that? But if you think that is weird, look at this picture:\par

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Am I the only one who thinks taking a picture of your dead pet is creepy? What if he was the new guy in the adjacent cubicle at work?\par
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“So what is that picture on your desk Bob?”\par
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“That’s my dog Spot.”\par
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“Is he dead in that picture?”\par
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“Yes” \par
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“Okay, well I have to go now. Think I have a meeting or something to go to.”\par
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Humor-blogs.com loves animals and funny humor blogs. Go there now or\par
God will kill a kitten. That old gag. But I’m not kidding. Neither is God.

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So you are a seal who’s out hunting and you stop at the local undersea pub to grab a few cold ones. A young hottie catches your eye. You chat her up a bit, and you both decide to take it somewhere more private.\par
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Then the Global Warming paparazzi shows up.\par
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I hate to break it to the seal but these kinds of relationships never work out in the long run. Trust me, I speak from experience.\par
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Photo Credit: P.J.N. de Bruyn\par
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Humor-blogs.com might have blogs of funny animal sex pictures.

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Are you having trouble thinking of the perfect Mother\’e2\’80\’99s Day gift? She\’e2\’80\’99s done so much for you over the years, from all her hard work to decades of reminding you to wear your seat belt or not to stay out too late. And to think you moved out of the house years ago! But she means well so here are some Mother\’e2\’80\’99s Day gift ideas that are right up her alley.\par
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The Ishtar DVD\par
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Is Mom having trouble sleeping lately? Why not get her one of the worst movies of all time, Ishtar! Best yet, there are no side effects unlike sleeping pills.\par
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Crime Scene Towel\par
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Mom loves CSI? Then why not get her something from the studio gift shop. If you order soon they will also include a David Caruso t-shirt!\par
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A Homeless Man in Bubble Wrap\par
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One of the suggested games on the box to play is to try and pop all the bubbles before the homeless guy eats all your food, or pees on the rug. Not only is this gift fun for the whole family, but it also helps get people off the streets.\par
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Meat Thermometer\par
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Nothing says get in the kitchen and cook a roast like this great Mother\’e2\’80\’99s day gift. It is also nostalgic as it harkens back to a time when women did all the cooking and cleaning. The 1950\’e2\’80\’99s really were the good old days!\par
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Sprout a Couch\par
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Everyone has outdoor furniture, but not everyone has furniture that is the outdoors. The couch kind of looks like it was left on the lawn and attacked by extremely aggressive grass. Weed killer is sold separately.\par
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For the hippies and treehuggers, not only is this gift environmentally correct but it is the perfect cure for moms with green guilt.\par
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Gift Certificate for a Free Moustache Waxing\par
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Sometimes, as we get older, hair starts to grow in odd places like ears or on womens\’e2\’80\’99 upper lip. Nana will love you for this one, and so will Grandpa.\par
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20th Century with Mike Wallace: Against All Odds: Six-Day War and Raid on Entebbe DVD\par
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All kidding aside, this was actually on a list of Mother\’e2\’80\’99s Day Gifts. I think a card made with elbow macaroni, Elmer\’e2\’80\’99s glue, and construction paper would make a much better…hmm\’e2\’80\’a6.\par
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A Card Made with Elbow Macaroni, Elmer\’e2\’80\’99s Glue, and Construction Paper\par
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I\’e2\’80\’99m just kidding. The DVD thing wasn\’e2\’80\’99t really on a list either. Moving on\’e2\’80\’a6\par
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A Trip to the Mutter Museum\par
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Nana will enjoy this home of medical oddities in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Originally it was intended for research and education but now is a museum of the strange. There is even a woman\’e2\’80\’99s corpse that turned into soap. Poor lady. Even in death she still has to do the dishes. I kid I kid.\par
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Odd Ball Mobile Transport Unit\par
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Give your grandma the ability to get around the neighborhood while not sacrificing their dignity stuck on a Rascal. It also is a great way to get some exercise at the same time.\par
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Humor-blogs.com loves Mother’s Day. But they also have funny blogs.

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Did you know that envy is something that is between two people while jealousy involves three?\par
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It is true. Saying \’e2\’80\’9cJane is jealous of Cindy\’e2\’80\’99s ability to hook up with strange men on a nightly basis\’e2\’80\’9d is incorrect. Jane would actually be envious of Cindy\’e2\’80\’99s amazing slut powers. Now if Cindy slept with Jane’s boyfriend which should happen any day now, this situation would cross over into jealousy as well as a possible cat fight.\par
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Or attempted kidnapping.\par
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In February 2007 Lisa Nowak, a NASA astronaut put on a diaper used in space travel and drove non-stop 950 miles from Houston to Orlando to confront her lover\’e2\’80\’99s girlfriend in a fit of jealousy.\par
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I am envious of Nowak\’e2\’80\’99s tenacity, ingenuity, and determination.\par
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Besides, I can look past my women wearing a diaper under their skirt as opposed to wedding tackle.\par
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I am not envious of soccer star Ronaldo’s taste in women, especially those packing heat in more ways then one.\par
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In the final example, we have Paris Hilton who doesn’t have a bulge in her drawers but knows how to use the word ‘Jealousy’. She just needs to work on keeping up with the voice track.\par
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I am envious of Paris’ amazing inability to lip-synch. It is like forgetting the words to ‘Happy Birthday’ or not remembering how to walk.\par
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I hope this guide helps clear up any misunderstandings or misconceptions about envy vs. jealously.\par
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Humor-Blogs.com is full of grammatical errors. Not really but they do have entertaining humor blogs.

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Funny, this is what comes to mind every time I watch any kind of debating or commentary on the various news channels.\par
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Here is what they are saying since some of it is hard to hear:\par
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“Oh please, you can’t expect her to know how to run a country just because her husband did.”\par
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“Excuse me? In addition to being former first lady, she had performed admirably as New York senator.”\par
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“That’s debatable.”\par
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“So is Obama’s experience level. Not to mention the question of his patriotism.”\par
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“Oh don’t bring up this Reverend Wright crap again. If every politician were held responsible for the words of his associates…”\par
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“Or her associates…”\par
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“They wouldn’t…”\par
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“This was not an associate. This was his pastor!”\par
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“Right! This was his pastor! Not him! Not his words! You want to talk about personal accountability? How about all the ‘misremembered’ stories Shrill is spreading around the campaign trail?”\par
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“Oh, and you have a perfect memory?”\par
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“I’m not running for President!”\par
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“Well, Bush did and look what happened.”\par
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“Why are you bringing Bush into this? I didn’t vote for Bush. I wasn’t even born yet!”\par
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“My point is, it’s time for men to stand aside and let a woman show America how it’s done.”\par
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“Then why aren’t you bashing McCain too? He’s a man. You know why? Because he’s white!”\par
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“Oh, please!”\par
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“He’s white, and Barack is black, and you’re a racist!”\par
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“Well, you’re a chauvinist!”\par
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“At least my candidate didn’t cry on the campaign trail!”\par
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“Well, at least my candidates middle name isn’t Hussein!”\par
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“Oh, you did not just go there!”\par
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“You’re right, I’m sorry. That was low.”\par
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“Look, let’s just come together and stop fighting. Otherwise McCain will win.”\par
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“McCain! Yes!”\par
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Remember, if you like political humor make sure to visit Political Humor by Radioactive Liberty for my weekly Thursday column as well as other miscellany.\par
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And of course you would be amiss if you umm missed Johnny Virgil from Fifteen Minute Lunch\’e2\’80\’99s interview last week.\par
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Humor-blogs.com thinks Ralph Nader should be President because it would be really funny.\par
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