Angry Seafood

Sorry if I spoiled it for you but Jesus is going to die on March 21, 2008 and then come back to life two days later. I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of this act.

Boring.

Every year Jesus pulls the same lame-ass trick. Doesn’t he have anything new to show us? He has twelve months to work on new material but every Easter he goes back to the same-old same-old miracle trough.

Look at what this guy does! Separates a woman in half!

Tell me people wouldn’t listen to Jesus if he did stuff like this.

Jesus: That is what happens to non-believers!
Witness: Ahhhh!!! I’ll do whatever you say, just don’t rip me in half!

So Mister Son of God, I think it is time for some new magic tricks. Turning water into wine was a neat parlor amusement but its passé now. You could bless Ashley Alexandra Dupre but the last time you did that it turned into the Davinci Code.

Moses even outdoes you this time of year with his parting of the Red Sea. That act never gets old by the way Jesus because it is a classic. Any immortal being can raise themselves from the dead and move a boulder. Moses separates a body of water then closes it in on an incoming enemy army. That is pretty kick ass no matter how many times it’s repeated.

I can rent a machine that can move large rocks around. Am I a God? No, but neither was Moses and look what he did. C’mon Jesus you are going to have to do better then a resurrection trick to really amaze the crap out of people in 2008.

Of course all this criticism would be pointless without advice or a solution and I have the perfect one. I am not sure if it would be up your alley Jesus because it is true evil. Not as much as punting a puppy but still evil.

Everyone has cell phones that play videos these days. On Sunday morning you hack into everyone’s phones and set the call volume to the max setting as well as disable the ability to hang up or turn them off.

Then you call everyone and send them this video:

Easter would never be the same again if you Rickrolled everyone Jesus. Maybe for an encore you could bring back the Pope too.

Humor-Blogs celebrates Easter by marking lamb’s blood on
their blogs because that is how they roll. But not Rickroll.

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Before you head out for a day/night or both of heavy drinking followed by a morning of green poops and a splitting headache I would like to give the white people one piece of advice…

DO NOT DANCE.

Guys, this is what you look like to others trying to dance to P-Diddy, Three-Fidy or whatever the hell the rapper/hip-hop artist calls himself these days. Most times there will only be one or two women dancing with you meaning you will be surrounded by other dudes. There is nothing wrong with being gay, but if this is not the impression you are looking to make, it is best to avoid the whole thing altogether.

Be like the smart people and sit on the couch.

Ladies, don’t think you are off the hook. Just because Guns ‘N’ Roses is playing does not mean it is time to drunken dance. Watch yourself because one of you always falls or worse goes home with the Chris Farley professional impersonator in the video.

Don’t let that be you.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone and watch out for the liquor with the snake in the bottle. And remember friends don’t let friends beer goggle.

Humor-Blogs has a drinking problem-two hands
but only one mouth. That old gag.

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Two guest blog posts this week to tell you about…

This week’s Thursday Radioactive Liberty post is about Hillary Clinton and all the amazing things she has accomplished. It also talks about how kick-ass she is, even making people begin to wonder if she is the new Chuck Norris.

I also did a guest post for Katy’s awesome 70’s blog, The Roller Blog with a review of the cult classic action film ‘The Warriors’. That one was a lot of fun and I am hoping to do more guest posts there in the future.

Visit Humor-Blogs.com because I told you it is
full of funny blogs. Go there now!!

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Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of funny blogs. We are joined today by Renal Failure, Humor-Blogs.com directory member and also contributor to the online humor magazine ‘The Clay Pigeon’.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Renal Failure. How are you doing?

RF: Why do you ask? What have you heard? Oh God, it’s pancreatic Swayze cancer, isn’t it? Damn it, why couldn’t it have waited until after the release of the new Batman movie?

C: Ok, I have to ask, what is up with all the characters? I need a scorecard to keep track.

RF: I have a wide circle of friends. They’re drawn to me, like pretentious hipsters to a thrift shop. Anyway, it can’t be that hard to keep track of the characters. I think they’re clearly defined. Tina the Lesbian is the lesbian. Bernie the half-cyborg cat is the cat. Ninja Vicki is the Peter Cetera fan. Simple stuff.

C: What can change a substance into an entirely different substance?

RF: Tag Larkin. By sheer force of will.

C: Great taste or less filling?

RF: Great Taste and more filling. That’s how I like my Boston Kreme donuts. Filling is tasty, why would I want less of it? You know what people would want less of? Sudden infant death syndrome. That’s what people really want: Great taste and less babies found dead in their cribs.

C: If you could vote any Movie Star or Singer as President, who would it be?

RF: Gary Busey. He has a lot to teach us as human beings, not just as Americans. And he will pull a knife on you.

C: Does Psycho Dave have any more mundane ideas to sell to India?

RF: No, mundane experiences were last year. This year Psycho Dave is currently negotiating to export “goth” to India to fill their goth teen deficit. And by negotiating, I mean he calls up the local Indian take-out place and curses at them.

C: Why does the sun never set on the British Empire?

RF: Because the queen is always in motion, always a step ahead of the setting sun. Sort of like the end of the movie Little Monsters.

(Editor’s note: If anyone was wondering the actual punchline to that joke is: “because God doesn’t trust the Birtish in the dark.”)

C: Who is Tag Larkin and why does he go all out?

RF: Tag Larkin is inevitability. Tag Larkin is a force of nature. Tag Larkin is the sum of a cosmic equation too complex for our primitive minds to understand.

As to why he goes all out, I believe this was answered in our post Tag Larkin Goes All Out: because Tag Larkin is still trying to impress his late father, for whom nothing was ever good enough. And that’s how Tag Larkin prevented Tagg Romney’s father from being the Republican nominee for President. By going all out, and playing by his own rules, and answering to nobody.

C: Why should US invade Canada?

RF: For cheap pills. I’d like the cocktail of pharmaceutical wonder-capsules I take on a daily basis that prevent the Virgin Mary from convincing me in her husky Kathleen Turner voice to throw acid in people’s faces to be just a little more affordable. Because if I have to choose between paying the high-speed internet bill and buying the drugs that keeps the screaming to an acceptable minimum, I’m going to choose the one that gives me adorable kitten videos.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview RF. Any parting thoughts?

RF: Anyone can relay true stories to an audience. It takes talent to tell them entertaining and funny lies.

RF’s question to the readers: What Renal Failure character would you like to spend the day with?

Humor-blogs.com is the home of funny blogs. The only home.

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