Posts from — March 2008

Nothing says humor like bad ideas for businesses, services, or products. Still people try, still they try…

1. Levert Reunion Tour

Unless you are having it in Heaven, this doesn’t look so promising. I’ll miss not hearing Casanova live though.

2. ACME Embalmer and Meat Emporium

Which service/product would you like first?

3. Naturally Organic Animal Cleaning Service

Just like a cat, the groomer licks the animal clean. Applicants must like the taste of pet hair.

4. Jodie Foster Phone Sex Line

Press one for ‘female gym teacher from high school’.

5. Trich Hair Care Products

I see sales being a little slow with this one.

6. Previously-Owned Beer

This might work great for used cars, but I’ll pay more for the new stuff thanks.

7. Shady Loans for People that can’t afford them

Whoops, looks like this one was taken already by Countrywide. Doesn’t look like they were on our side after all does it?

8. Mohammad the Prophet Dolls/Action Figures

Just a hunch.

9. Midget Hookers

The demand is small but at least you have a place to rest your beer on. Maybe this one isn’t that bad.

10. Number Ten is for you, the readers. What is your top-ten bad business idea?

_________________________________________________________________________

(Picture courtesy of Gutenburg.)

Sorry if I spoiled it for you but Jesus is going to die on March 21, 2008 and then come back to life two days later. I don’t know about you but I’m getting tired of this act.

Boring.

Every year Jesus pulls the same lame-ass trick. Doesn’t he have anything new to show us? He has twelve months to work on new material but every Easter he goes back to the same-old same-old miracle trough.

Look at what this guy does! Separates a woman in half!

Tell me people wouldn’t listen to Jesus if he did stuff like this.

Jesus: That is what happens to non-believers!
Witness: Ahhhh!!! I’ll do whatever you say, just don’t rip me in half!

So Mister Son of God, I think it is time for some new magic tricks. Turning water into wine was a neat parlor amusement but its passé now. You could bless Ashley Alexandra Dupre but the last time you did that it turned into the Davinci Code.

Moses even outdoes you this time of year with his parting of the Red Sea. That act never gets old by the way Jesus because it is a classic. Any immortal being can raise themselves from the dead and move a boulder. Moses separates a body of water then closes it in on an incoming enemy army. That is pretty kick ass no matter how many times it’s repeated.

I can rent a machine that can move large rocks around. Am I a God? No, but neither was Moses and look what he did. C’mon Jesus you are going to have to do better then a resurrection trick to really amaze the crap out of people in 2008.

Of course all this criticism would be pointless without advice or a solution and I have the perfect one. I am not sure if it would be up your alley Jesus because it is true evil. Not as much as punting a puppy but still evil.

Everyone has cell phones that play videos these days. On Sunday morning you hack into everyone’s phones and set the call volume to the max setting as well as disable the ability to hang up or turn them off.

Then you call everyone and send them this video:

Easter would never be the same again if you Rickrolled everyone Jesus. Maybe for an encore you could bring back the Pope too.

========================================

There is a rule that says if someone is getting slammed in the media for crap they did I don’t need to pile more on with my blog posts. Why unload more bullets into the political carcass of Eliot Spitzer?

Because it is too funny to pass up making fun of politicians. So much for rules.

I say the more of a shit-storm we can stir up the funnier it is. Some may say this is cruel because these people have families. I don’t care because they aren’t in politics to change the world. They are doing it to set themselves up financially. You might as well tell me not to make fun of lawyers.

Even then perhaps we need to be positive in this negative world of ours.

1,000 politicians are dead and lying on the bottom of the ocean. Look at the bright side, everyone. That is one hell of a start.

See how easy it is to be positive and still rip on people? It’s like holding someone’s hand while slapping them with the free one. Actually it is a lot like diplomacy too. Weird…

So look at the bright side, Eliot Spitzer. At least you weren’t ‘Client 9’ in a prostitution ring involving transsexuals or midgets or even transsexual Bavarian midgets for that matter. Try using a ‘wide stance’ excuse for that one.

Your name could have been Spitter. That would be much worse. People would wonder if you were a gay prostitute or at the least a lot of fun in prison, or less fun depending on their opinions about money shots.

There are no prostitutes in the prison you might be going to however. On the bright side that means less chances to get in trouble again. Don’t be concerned with the ‘Meat’ nickname either. From my experience, when you are joining a new circle of friends and they give you a nickname you are so in. That is a huge bright side.

But most importantly, this whole thing proves that the Patriot Act works. If it weren’t for excessive wiretapping we would never have known Eliot Spitzer had such a kinky streak.

I am all for more government intrusion if it leads to them turning each other in. That my friends is perhaps the greatest bright side of all.
=========================================

I had this same idea a few years ago at Thanksgiving!

Before you think I am a crazy lunatic who enjoys re-programming a child’s toy with evil, it was an idea for a short film called Kill Me Elmo.

I was over my aunt and uncle’s house for Thanksgiving a few years ago, and they had the freaking 2.0 Super Hi-tech Elmo which did the tickle thing, picked itself up off the floor when it fell, reacted to you, etc. It was pretty funny in a strange way but then my brain got to thinking…

What if Elmo suddenly turned on people?

Maybe like Chucky he scampers under the couch, grabs some knives and turns it into the worst holiday ever. But in a funny way.

I never really figured out how it ended. Any ideas?
=========================================