Angry Seafood

This week’s guest post on Radioactive Liberty is a mish-mesh of assorted thoughts, comments, and ranting about the Presidential elections, the World Economic Forum at Davos, and Bono’s arrogance. Pretty much the usual just more random but yet tied together. I am a strange bird.

Coming Friday: The Conclusion to ‘A Harrowing Night in Death Gulch’

Want these posts in your email? Click here to subscribe.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Artwork by www.toondoo.com. Dialogue, concept, and idea by Chris Cameron.

Want these posts in your email? Click here to subscribe.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Welcome to another edition of “Bloggers Speak” where Angry Seafood interviews the authors of the sites on Humor-Blogs.com as well as others with funny blogs.

This time around we turn our attention to HB member Jeff from ‘View from the Cloud’ who was also the first interviewee to use pictures.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Jeff. How’s it going?

Jeff: Very good! And may I say ‘thank you’ for selecting me to be your interview for this week. I love your blog and I’m flattered to be included among the other esteemed humorist you’ve chosen for this feature.

(pssst…is that enough sucking up yet?… cause I’ve got a lot more if you need it.)

C: Great taste or less filling?

J: Well, considering I have lousy taste in fashion (all tee-shirts, all the time), restaurants (I’m pretty sure I’m the only person on earth who prefers eating at those all-you-can-eat buffets) and my choice of residency (at least I feel that way right now while the average temperature here in Minnesota is -10) … I’ll have to go with less filling. And who wouldn’t want less fillings? Right now I have so damn much metal in my mouth magnets stick to my cheeks.

C: If you could choose one Presidential candidate to have a love child with Hillary Clinton who would it be and why?

J: I don’t have to. Few people know that years ago, Hillary actually had a previous romp with one of our current candidates. And as luck would have it, I happen to have a rare photograph of their secret love child. But please be respectful and try not to stare at her unfortunate skin condition.

C: Do bears really shit in the woods?

J: Not up here. Minnesota bears have become quite adept at breaking into our houses and using our toilets. It’s really a nuisance too because they track a lot of mud through the house.

C: Your thoughts on Valentine’s Day

J: Oh, Valentines Day is a great holiday…if you’re a woman! I mean seriously, women receive chocolate, flowers, jewelry, love notes and fine dining. What do men receive? You guessed it - the bill.

C: Is Fargo real?

J: Heh. That depends. Are you referring to the movie or the city? Because one is funny and the other is not.

As far as the movie is concerned, you most likely won’t find anyone around Fargo that talks like that anymore, although I’m sure that within the last 40 years or so there were plenty of immigrants from the “old country” that had that accent. Obviously the movie was over exaggerated to make point. But not by much!

Regarding the city… early on in my career as a road musician my band traveled extensively throughout the nearby Midwestern states and cities. For some stupid reason, our agency loved to send us to Fargo for weeks on end – especially in the winter. It kind of became a running joke among bands in the industry. “Oh, you’ve been exiled to Fargo eh? Bummer.” The only place worse to end up in February was Minot, ND – which unfortunately we played way too many times.

C: Tell us what was so scary about a reoccurring dream you used to have about people in your front yard and underwear?

J: Well, it was only scary when I was the one in underwear. Otherwise it was my fantasy.

Anyway, I’m assuming you’re referring to my maiden post back in October of ’05 where I explained how I had this dumb insecurity about starting this blog because I was worried that someone I knew would read it… and then… and then all the people who had ever been an important part of my life would gather together in my front yard and start making mumbling sounds, like they were saying secret things about me but I couldn’t quite make out the words. Then, when I went out onto my front porch to find out what was going on, I’d realize that I was really standing there in front of everybody in my underwear.

But once I realized that really wasn’t my fear, but rather an old recurring dream that I’ve had since I was a kid, I marched on to become the famous blogger I am today.

C: I like dominant women and I am a shy guy, does this make me effeminate?

J: Only if enjoy letting your date dress you up in women’s clothes while she handcuffs you to the bed. But now that I think about it, who wouldn’t?

C: What are Bill-isms and which was your favorite?

J: Bill is my father and Bill-isms are little sayings and quotes he says on an all too-frequent basis. None of these are actually funny in a “ha ha” kind of way, but are funny to those of us who know Bill - much like the way it’s funny when a record skips on a phrase and plays it over and over again.

But my favorite? Oh that’s tough. That’s like asking a dad to pick his favorite child. I think “That’s enough to gag a maggot” when he’s referring to something really smelly is an excellent example of a Bill-ism. But I’ve always thought “Dumb kids… I teach them everything I know and they don’t know nothing!” pretty much sums it up for me.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Jeff. Any parting thoughts?

J: Yeah, don’t bother calling 867-5309. Jenny really isn’t that good of a time.

Jeff’s question for the readers: Speaking of fictional phone numbers… does it bug anyone else when they use “555” as the first part of a phone number in movies or TV shows?

Have you checked out the latest Angry Seafood post ‘One Last NFL Hurrah’?

Or how about the tale of how the Blizzard of ‘78 sucked?

Humor-blogs.com is the home of funny blogs. The only home.

Want these posts in your email? Click here to subscribe.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

I sat in the second row at the Meadowlands, on a Sunday night, for a nationally-televised professional game in football hell. Was it the Giants during the Ray Handley era? You might have an argument there. Hell, any video anthology of the Giants just skips right over those years.

“..and when Bill Parcells retired, then came Dan Reeves…”

Was it the Patriots/Eagles game back in the late 90’s in Philadelphia? No, but being in the environment of such hostile fans despite the fact there is no rivalry would be close. These people booed Santa Claus when he came out to kick field goals at halftime for crying out loud.

Tough crowd.

But no, I am talking about real hell.

“Sure, I’ll go to an XFL game.” I replied to my buddy Nick not knowing what I was getting myself into.

For those who don’t remember this one-hit wonder, the XFL was a professional football league created by Vince McMahon that consisted of eight teams stocked with players not thought to be talented enough to make the CFL or NFL. The experiment lasted just one season.

The match-up on the slate this night was the New York/New Jersey Hitmen vs. the Chicago Enforcers. I think they polled fantasy football enthusiasts or nine-year-olds for team names. You had The Thunderbolts, The Rage, and The Xtreme which on a side note always reminded me of the movie Twister.

We arrived there and it was cold as balls. Strike one. That’s ok, we figured, we’ll just keep warm with beer.

Wrong.

The XFL had a policy: no alcohol sales at games. I’m an adult watching sports. No beer is like sex with a hooker without the condom. It just makes zero sense.

So there we were, with our hot chocolate like we were at a Pee Wee football game while the teams are getting in position for the opening kickoff. I’m wondering why they are putting the ball in the middle of the field. Oh my God, it’s a scrum for it. Whoever gets there first gets possession. It’s like the world’s slowest face-off.

Is that a nickname on the back of that guy’s jersey? And who the hell are all these people? I think I remember that Maddox guy from somewhere but everyone else I don’t recognize.

“Is the game over?” I asked after what seemed like twenty punts each side and a score that was like 3-0.
“No, it’s like three minutes into the first quarter.” Nick replied.
“Dude I can’t feel my toes.”

So remember that the next time someone gives you tickets to a Knicks, Dolphins, or a Royals game don’t complain. It could be worse.

Much worse.

Coming Monday: The Interview with Jeff from View from The Cloud.

You can read this weekly sports column every Saturday here at Angry Seafood.

Humor-blogs.com was not forced to go to XFL games but they have funny blogs. Go there to read some.

Want these posts in your email? Click here to subscribe.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!