Take turns seeing how far away from the shuttle or the space station you can go without snapping your life cord and plummeting to Earth in a ball of fire.
“Hey look at me! Look how far out I am!”
“Bill be careful you don’t go too…”
*Snap*
“Fucking gravityyyyyyyy……..”
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The year was 1994, my first year living in the foreign land known as New Jersey. This is a strange place that greets travelers in the north with the wonderful smell of oil refineries. There is a monster that lives in the swamps in the south, and he’s got night vision goggles so he is good at avoiding humans. But that is another story for another day.
It was my first dinner with my girlfriend’s parents. It is always a big deal when you first meet the parents but I had no idea of the ‘Test’ that I would soon face.
Apparently, her family has this way of weeding out prospective suitors with a simple yet complex decision. Answer wisely, or the consequences are dire. Dinner is served and you must make a choice: mayonnaise or miracle whip.
For some unknown reason, this family also liked to serve sandwiches a lot. But I digress.
I never realized the pressure a simple condiment choice brought. I had always treated it as a mood thing. Today I might feel like mustard on my ham sandwich, next week it could be horseradish on my roast beef.
This was the last dinner I had with them.
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You’ve kicked everyone’s ass in UFC. You beat Mike Tyson AND kept your ears intact. You joined the military because you ran out of people to fight in your own country. Chuck Norris is afraid to fight you. What is a real tough guy to do?
Fly to England and participate in the Tough Guy competition held every year. In January. Britain in the dead of winter. Did I mention they don’t cancel even if it snows? Suddenly it becomes Tough Man meets Rocky’s training in Rocky IV.
Tough Guy will break you!
(I know that picture looks very summery. Weird)
A one-day test of survival pits you against obstacles more demanding then the Navy Seals training courses. Run through smoldering embers, climb huge forty-foot walls, crawl under forty feet of barbed wire. (What is their fascination with the number forty?) The fun lasts through twenty-one different sections of the course. (That is almost half of forty)
See that guy? He is already putting a call through to Mr. Walker, Texas Ranger.
Be a real Tough Guy this year and if you win, Chuck Norris will leave you a congratulatory email.
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So as I am sitting down to dinner last night I get a phone call.
Me: “Hello?”
Person: “Hello sir, my name is Ann and I am from the Ajax Marketing Firm…”
“I’m not interesting in buying anything. I was just sitting down to dinner and…”
“How is your Kraft Macaroni and Cheese sir?”
“What? How did you know that?”
“We are a marketing company, it is our job.”
“Ok, you are freaking me out here.”
“Sir if I really wanted to freak you out I would ask you why you switched from original Lever soap to the new ‘fresh and clean’ scent last week.”
“Woah.”
“You really did smell better with the original choice by the way.”
“I am going to hang up now, you are really creeping me out.”
“Don’t threaten me sir. We both know that you are talking to me on your couch while watching Headline News.”
“How can you see me?”
“Again, sir we are a marketing company. That is our job.”
“Okay okay I’ll buy the product.”
“Great. I’ll put you down for one ‘Ajax Anti-Telemarketer Adapter Re-Router Unit’.”
“Wait a minute. You are selling a product that stops people like you from calling me?”
“Yes sir.”
“So you marketing companies bought all the information on me without my permission and now I have to buy something just to get you people to leave me alone?”
“Yes sir, that sounds about right.”
“Man you people just take shit way too far.”
“We prefer the term ‘genius’ sir.”
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Every Thursday is my guest post at Radioactive Liberty. It is always about humor, and always about politics.
This week’s essay however is a trip into the financial world with a new bank and it’s revolutionary service designed to help protect our identities and guard against the evil real-world financial institutions in “New Banking Service: ‘Future Identity Blocker’ “
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Like Funny Football Humor Blogs? Then you should visit the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football Blog.
Humor at Alltop.com
Every Thursday you can find me skewering something in my weekly political humor column at RL.
My latest:
And some of my past political humor...
Choices for a Barack Obama Cabinet
This work by Chris Cameron is licensed for non-commercial usage only. Any usage must also contain credit to the original work here as well as to the author.
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