Things go well for me usually in life and I have recently concluded that it because God likes me. I don’t bother him with prayer or demands. He does what he wants to do. I do what I want to do. If he exists, then I probably have one of the best relationships you could have with a potentially fictitious deity. It is the laissez-faire approach to God/human relations.
Because of this I get rewarded. Nothing spectacular, mind you, just a problem-free life. Of course my existence is not without its hurdles. Overall I can’t complain and that is because God loves me thanks to my ignoring him. He also comes in for dinner where I work and leaves a very generous tip. We talk politics, this blog, the Red Sox, stuff like that. Let me tell you something, God loves baseball. I keep telling him it is a dinosaur but he comes right back with the “those animals weren’t my idea” line. Of course I am quick with my usual retort “but steroids were!” We laugh and laugh.
On a side note, God is a Padres fan. Go figure.
So why do things go wrong in your life? It is because God hates you. Ok, perhaps hate is a strong word. It is more like he is indifferent. He has a complete lack of feeling towards you. How can he like you when all you do is talk about him non-stop? Can you blame him?
Got laid off from your job? Break your toe on the coffee table leg? God finally got fed up with your lack of subject material and constant rambling on and on about how awesome he is.
Holy shit join a bowling league or something, just get the hell out of the house once in awhile. You want to know why your bible-thumping friends are just like you are? Because nobody else wants to listen to repetitive chatter about God, religion, Jesus, how puppies will be even cuter in heaven, the seventy-two virgins and all that other bullshit.
Your social circle is the only group of people that will tolerate this conversation.
Look, I am not saying to quit religion. Have at it if you like. Just give the rest of the world a break and talk about something else for a change.
(God’s Note: I am not a Padres fan. Go Mets.)
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by Lisa, on November 27 2007 @ 3:45 pm
In an eleventh grade leadership summer course I took, I decided laissez-faire is the best way to go. In all areas of life- including religion. I’m glad to see somebody agrees.
by VE, on November 27 2007 @ 6:02 pm
God who? Sorry…it’s just that he gave me extra ADD attributes so I really don’t care what the preaching society does; I’m usually picking my nose or scribbling or playing a practical joke on somebody anway.
by ChrisC, on November 28 2007 @ 2:07 pm
@Lisa: If God does exist he seems to favor this method as well. No way he actually chose people to communicate his message to the rest of us. We know how that turns out. hehe
@VE: Of course the religious people would spin that as some sort of ‘gift’ like getting polio or being paralyzed. Remind me not to ask God for anything for Christmas, he might give me MS or something.
by Fiar, on November 29 2007 @ 3:08 pm
At forst I wondered what “Diety Obsession” was. Then I realized you meant Deity obsession.
by ChrisC, on November 29 2007 @ 9:01 pm
Man what a dumb error! Der. One thing that is good about writing for your blogs Fiar is you are my editor. I need one of them over here I think hehe.
by Kathy, on April 15 2008 @ 7:10 am
How do you become “ruined” by a relationship with God?
Very sad post, I am sorry that you are so alienated from the One who loves you.
by Chris C, on April 15 2008 @ 9:35 pm
And the one thing I didn’t cover about people who are addicted to religion: the condescending attitude.
From what I’ve read, your God frowns upon stuff like that. Besides, it’s awesome being able to sleep in every Sunday.
by Chris C, on April 15 2008 @ 9:37 pm
I forgot to mention that God is one of my regulars at work. I’ll namedrop him for you if you like.