Posts from — November 2007

There have been numerous predictions of the end of the world, yet none have come true. I thought I would throw my hat into the ring and make my call:

June 2, 2009

Hopefully I will be working so I won’t waste a day off having to do those last-minute pre-end-of-world chores.
============================================

Things go well for me usually in life and I have recently concluded that it because God likes me. I don’t bother him with prayer or demands. He does what he wants to do. I do what I want to do. If he exists, then I probably have one of the best relationships you could have with a potentially fictitious deity. It is the laissez-faire approach to God/human relations.

Because of this I get rewarded. Nothing spectacular, mind you, just a problem-free life. Of course my existence is not without its hurdles. Overall I can’t complain and that is because God loves me thanks to my ignoring him. He also comes in for dinner where I work and leaves a very generous tip. We talk politics, this blog, the Red Sox, stuff like that. Let me tell you something, God loves baseball. I keep telling him it is a dinosaur but he comes right back with the “those animals weren’t my idea” line. Of course I am quick with my usual retort “but steroids were!” We laugh and laugh.

On a side note, God is a Padres fan. Go figure.

So why do things go wrong in your life? It is because God hates you. Ok, perhaps hate is a strong word. It is more like he is indifferent. He has a complete lack of feeling towards you. How can he like you when all you do is talk about him non-stop? Can you blame him?

Got laid off from your job? Break your toe on the coffee table leg? God finally got fed up with your lack of subject material and constant rambling on and on about how awesome he is.

Holy shit join a bowling league or something, just get the hell out of the house once in awhile. You want to know why your bible-thumping friends are just like you are? Because nobody else wants to listen to repetitive chatter about God, religion, Jesus, how puppies will be even cuter in heaven, the seventy-two virgins and all that other bullshit.

Your social circle is the only group of people that will tolerate this conversation.

Look, I am not saying to quit religion. Have at it if you like. Just give the rest of the world a break and talk about something else for a change.
=========================================

Nothing says funny like a good parody and surprisingly there are not a lot of Star Wars versions. Here are my top three.

#3 Family Gus Star Wars Episode

I really liked this one and to be honest I was expecting much worse. The show in it’s second run isn’t as funny but this episode was a masterpiece.

#2 Spaceballs

The classic Star Wars parody that is still funny twenty-plus years later. Say the line ‘funny, you don’t look druish’ and someone will know what you are referring to.

There is a commentary by Mel Brooks on the anniversary DVD which is not to be missed. I know, usually they are boring but this one is funny.

#1 Star Wars III: A Lost Hope

How the hell is this number one? Many reasons including the fact it came out four months before the movie was released. To do a parody without knowing the plot and getting most of the storyline right is masterful. The pregnancy test, ‘No I am your baby’s daddy!’ line are just more reasons why this one beats them all as best Star Wars parody.

Honorable mention: Hardware Wars. Part One Part One
==========================================

Thank God for Diesel wanting to take up a cause celebre this week because I am so out of ideas lately it isn’t funny. It is so bad I might even scour the streets of Haverhill, Massachusetts looking for King Alfred. I did a recipe yesterday. A recipe! Talk about walking on a thin line. I am just not angry all the time.

Let me be serious for a moment about why we are here-Huey Lewis, and the news is not good. Last time we saw him it was a pitiful turn as a Karaoke star with Gwyneth Paltrow in some movie that isn’t even worth the time to look up on IMDB. The power of love only goes so far.

It gets worse folks. He recently teamed up with another has-been celebrity Garth Brooks to record a country duet version of ‘Working for a Living’. I know at this point and time Huey it is a matter of taking what they are giving but come on. Country music?

No Huey no!

If this is it please let me know. I wanna know. First Bon Jovi defects and now you too Huey? I know country is easier to play and its range is severely limited to a vocabulary of twelve words including: ‘yeehah’, ‘hell yah’, ‘redneck’, ‘gee my sister IS hot now that I think about it’, ‘you sure do got a perty mouth’…where was I, oh yes, Garth Brooks.

What the hell was he thinking? Wasn’t there anyone who told Garth this alter-ego idea was dumb? Huey come on here buddy, you teamed up with Chris Gaines. Have you heard any of that crap? It makes ‘Hip to Be Square’ sound as cool as ‘Stairway to Heaven’. Hell with the laughter, does anyone remember good music?

I sure do and it is the Huey Lewis of old. His classic songs of love lost, fun times buried on the beach up to our necks, and the quest for perfect drugs need to be played again. Some music today is good and while good is good, most times bad is bad.

Come back to rock Huey, we promise we will buy your albums. We have to because they aren’t made in CD format. We couldn’t see the forest for the trees. We should have stuck with you all along. You finally are making us believe it too.

Of course there is such a thing as taking love too far…(R-rated clip ahead folks)

Coming Friday: Top Three Star Wars Parodies
============================================

Another guest post, this time over at FIAR’s new blog: Humorblogging.
This one is about growing up as the son of a parakeet breeder.

Much like my previous tale of childhood trauma, there is much angst in this short post.

Ok, not really but it is an interesting read. Maybe not, I don’t know.
==========================================

Welcome to another edition of Bloggers Speak where I interview the authors of, well blogs. We are joined today by Paula from Paula’s Playground. Her blog is also a member of the infamous humor-blogs.com directory.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Paula. How are you doing?

Polliwog: I’m thrilled to be here and to take part in this project with you Chris. Just imagine, I’m in the same company as a guy with a really small book, a dude who hands out huge golden cocks, and some freak who likes Vicks Vapor Rub even more than I do.

You might as well end the interview project right now. The four of us are pretty much the cream of the crop. Really, Chris. Who you going to interview? Those bozo’s on the HumorBlogs.com list?

C: What really popular blog do you hate the most?

P: I used to really hate Dan’s Blah Blah Blog because he’d get like 300 comments on every post. Then he confided to me that he was really writing them all himself so I had to find a new blog to hate.

I chose Bossy. That Bob Dole-esque pattern of speech she uses makes me want to gouge my eyes out with sticks.

C: Which Presidential candidate is the weirdest and why?

P: I pretty much think they all suck except for my girl Hilary. Nobody give me grief about this or I’ll go all kung-fu on your ass. But to be a good sport and answer your question, I’d have to say Duncan Hunter. He’s a Republican, a Lawyer, and a Californian. Enough said.

C: Which fantasy football player has been the biggest disappointment in 2007?

P: Larry Johnson. See, I was hurting for good running back’s this season, and I had lost like five games in a row. I cajoled, dealed and pleaded and snagged Larry in a trade. He then had his best game of the season, got hurt and is out for who-knows-how-long now. Crap!

C: How much has Thanksgiving interfered with Christmas?

P: My whole YEAR interferes with Christmas. I have six kids which means I’m constantly having birthday parties, and then there is Halloween, Easter, Valentines Day and Independence Day. Thanksgiving is the one Holiday I welcome with open arms because it doesn’t involve presents or candy.

My preferred way to celebrate Turkey Day is to go to the movies and smuggle a turkey sandwich in my handbag.

C: Is there ever a desire for a maid named Alice in your life?

P: If I had an Alice in my life, I’d be able to go and do the things I really want to do like cure cancer and end poverty. The sun would shine every day and small animals and birds would greet me when I awoke. I’d only eat chocolate and drink margaritas. Yeah, life with an Alice would be good.

C: Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?

P: They shoot tourists, don’t they? No, darlin’ they don’t. You are a little behind the times. My favorite method for dealing with tourists involves a Ron Popeil Pocket Fisherman, a Burger King Guy mask, and some Cheez Whiz.

C: Do you ever get startled by your toaster?

P: I have to buy a new toaster every 6-12 months it seems. They hate me. The last one I threw out, got stuck in the on position, burnt the bread, filled the house with smoke, and set off all the smoke alarms in the house. The kids happened to have a friend over that night too. God only knows what that kid went home and told her parents. Yes, I was making toast at night. Gotta problem with that?

C: Which band had more impact on you in the 80’s Firehouse or Great White?

P: Dude, how old are you? Firehouse put out its first album in 1990, they were not an ’80s band (though technically they formed during 1989). You were being sneaky and trying to trick me weren’t you naughty boy? Great White wasn’t a favorite band of mine in the ’80s. The only thing I remember about them is that I probably cried over some idiot at age 18 while playing their song, “Save Your Love” over and over and over. Oh wait, that was last week.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Paula. Any parting thoughts?

P: Thanks for having me over Chris. I’ll leave you with my personal motto and the one rule with which I run my life. In the words of the great Harry Truman, “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”

Paula’s question to the readers: Best dance song, Super Freak or Word Up!?
==========================================

The year was 1994, my first year living in the foreign land known as New Jersey. This is a strange place that greets travelers in the north with the wonderful smell of oil refineries. There is a monster that lives in the swamps in the south, and he’s got night vision goggles so he is good at avoiding humans. But that is another story for another day.

It was my first dinner with my girlfriend’s parents. It is always a big deal when you first meet the parents but I had no idea of the ‘Test’ that I would soon face.

Apparently, her family has this way of weeding out prospective suitors with a simple yet complex decision. Answer wisely, or the consequences are dire. Dinner is served and you must make a choice: mayonnaise or miracle whip.

For some unknown reason, this family also liked to serve sandwiches a lot. But I digress.

I never realized the pressure a simple condiment choice brought. I had always treated it as a mood thing. Today I might feel like mustard on my ham sandwich, next week it could be horseradish on my roast beef.

This was the last dinner I had with them.
==========================================

So as I am sitting down to dinner last night I get a phone call.

Me: “Hello?”

Person: “Hello sir, my name is Ann and I am from the Ajax Marketing Firm…”

“I’m not interesting in buying anything. I was just sitting down to dinner and…”

“How is your Kraft Macaroni and Cheese sir?”

“What? How did you know that?”

“We are a marketing company, it is our job.”

“Ok, you are freaking me out here.”

“Sir if I really wanted to freak you out I would ask you why you switched from original Lever soap to the new ‘fresh and clean’ scent last week.”

“Woah.”

“You really did smell better with the original choice by the way.”

“I am going to hang up now, you are really creeping me out.”

“Don’t threaten me sir. We both know that you are talking to me on your couch while watching Headline News.”

“How can you see me?”

“Again, sir we are a marketing company. That is our job.”

“Okay okay I’ll buy the product.”

“Great. I’ll put you down for one ‘Ajax Anti-Telemarketer Adapter Re-Router Unit’.”

“Wait a minute. You are selling a product that stops people like you from calling me?”

“Yes sir.”

“So you marketing companies bought all the information on me without my permission and now I have to buy something just to get you people to leave me alone?”

“Yes sir, that sounds about right.”

“Man you people just take shit way too far.”

“We prefer the term ‘genius’ sir.”

============================================