The God Answers column, usually seen here on Wednesdays will be along either later tonight or tomorrow. I can not confirm the rumor that God is hungover from the big 2008 election political humor carnival yesterday but I can tell you who won the contest.
Last week’s God Answers column had a prize for the best questions: a copy of the very funny religious humor book ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘.
Originally there were to be three winners but I changed my mind and everyone who left a question in last’s weeks column comments won. Pretty nice huh? That’s just how I roll.
But not Obamaroll. Man four years of this crap. Ugh.
Anyways, the winners of the contest are: Kathcom, JumpOut, Alex L, VE, and Skip DeKades.
Congratulations everyone and stay tuned for another giveaway contest coming soon! I can’t give details but I can say it is another funny book, ‘is it me or is everything shit?‘
Welcome to Angry Seafood’s first-ever Blog Carnival celebrating the end of the political humor season, otherwise known as Election Day. Which would you rather watch, a tv channel telling you the same things over and over or this post continually refreshing with something new?
Oh and it’s live.
Well, at least until around midnight EST. All day and into the night this carnival will be adding more funny blog posts as we find them. The pictures are a kind of a retrospective of the 2008 political season. Someone cue up the Paul Anka song.
*The Carnival is over and thank you to everyone who was involved. it was a lot of fun and over 50 political humor posts were showcased. That is a lot of blog posts!*
First up there is the live coverage of the 2008 Elections all day at Radioactive Liberty. Three insane conservative minds and a special guest liberal blogger will comment on the on-going events and news along with reports from the Ron Paul campaign, and a second grade class in Hawaaii will be helping us fill in the electoral map.
If you are still not sure who to vote for, why not take one last time to consider John Nobody?
I see the Black Panthers with nightsticks at voting booths and I wonder if it is 1968 all over again
The Skwib teases us with a little bit of the McCain/Letterman ‘feud’ and a hot Russian woman
I wouldn’t throw her out of bed for eating crackers much less mis-pornouncing words.
*Ed note: I made a freudian slip as you can clearly see in the last sentence. I’m leaving it because it is funny.*
How the hell am I having a political humor/ 2008 Election carnival and forgetting about Don Lewis, John Nobody’s opponent? Sorry about that Don. For that act of insubordination by me you get the next two links to yourself…
Happy election eve 2008 America. I come to you one last time to ask for your write-in vote for myself, John Nobody for President of the United States.
I speak to you tonight on the precipice of a truly historic vote, one that will be so for another three years until the 2012 election becomes the most-important one EVAR as the young lads like to say in their phone text messages.
See, I connect with today’s youth but that is not why I ask for your write-in vote.
I, John Nobody have the solutions to today’s vexing problems. Longing for cheaper gas? I’ll give everyone free gas and not the kind that comes from Agita like the rest of my opponents. If I am elected everyone will have the right to have their own oil supply and the government will supply pick axes and shovels for all Americans.
Still, many of my fellow Americans are still undecided about who they should vote for. As the best man for the job of our next president I feel I should point out why everyone else is a bad choice in tomorrow’s election.
We know about Barack Obama. He gets elected and life will be like a scene from the Matrix.
Those things track your income by the way.
And of course there’s Grandpa. What if halfway through his term John McCain gets the urge to take up the pursuit of lifelong goals?
Obviously you should vote for me instead of either of those two clowns. In case you still have doubts that I am the best candidate for President, I give you another opponent: Don Lewis who I easily bested in our political-ly humor-ous debate a couple of weeks ago.
He has unfairly targeted me in a smear campaign because he is hiding the real scandal.
Clown suit, rabbit suit, whatever. Another bad choice for President.
Mickey Mouse always gets a lot of votes but folks, he pals around with terrorists.
Next thing you know there will be Disney shows on Al Jazeera. We simply cannot elect cartoon characters that have absolutely no love for our country. Elect John Nobody and you can be sure I will be stronger on foreign policy that that guy.
[John points to picture above]
Robocop and a unicorn have teamed up for a run at the White House.
Sure, Robocop may be tough on crime but what does he know about the economy? My ‘Rollback the Prices‘ pledge will put more money in everyone’s pockets.
As you can clearly see, none of the Presidential candidates are fit to be leaders of the greatest nation on Earth more then I am. A vote for any of them frankly, is a waste of time.
Vote for me, John Nobody for President of the United States because Nobody cares.
______________________________________________________________________
[Humor-Blogs.com has funny blogs that you can vote for and there are more then two mediocre choices.]
So I took the kids, my eight-year-old daughter and my seven-year-old son trick or treating last night. We set out to one of the most liberal cities in Massachusetts, Arlington and we went door-to-door in the enclaves and neighborhoods of the moonbats. Little did I know what strange events would unfold…
The first house we went to gave my kids carbon credit certificates signed by Al Gore.
The next house gave them donations in their name to some charity.
Then another gave them those new-fangled twisty-looking lightbulbs.
We went to this one block of houses owned by ACORN activists and instead of candy the childen got cigarettes and were registered to vote twelve times each.
At one point my 8-year-old asked me “Why Daddy why?” All I could do at that point was hold back the tears. It was at that moment that I decided action must be taken. The wrong must be righted.
This is not Halloween this is absurdity.
“Back to the car kids!” I yelled as the plan formed in my head: egg the liberals’ houses. We drove to the supermarket where the plan was almost thwarted. Despite the ban on egg sales on Halloween I used the children as proof I was on the up-and-up.
Ten minutes later we were having a blast exacting revenge on the people that gave them crappy Halloween treats.
“Here’s your trick you frigging moonbats!” the kids and I yelled in unison as we hurled the oblong grenades of messiness at the hippies’ living quarters of hypocrisy.
Welcome to Bloggers Speak where I sit down with fellow humorists and ask them a bunch of crazy and odd questions. Today I am joined by none other than VE from the humor blog ‘VE’s Fantastical Nonsense‘.
How’s it hanging VE?
Hey, I’m just glad “it” is actually hanging. I mean, come on, Mr. Bobbit…well he couldn’t say the same there for awhile. None of the pets I know and vote with can either. So yeah, it’s good to be hanging!
Would you be surprised if you walked into an electronic voting booth next week and it said ‘To vote in English press one”?
You know, it wouldn’t worry me. Thanks to my Porta-Babelfish-Translation-gadget with the turbo charged USB port (not starboard) that is available in no stores and for a limited time only I can translate political-ease into English with a mere push of a button. I’m not sure which button on the gadget will do that though because they’re all in flippin’ Spanglish! But as soon as the guys come over to mow my lawn I’m sure I’ll be able to ask them.
Out of all the sitcoms of the 80’s which one was the least-funniest tv show?
Well I gotta go with Alf! I mean ask PETA. You can’t harbor rare species or aliens in your house people! And the fact that Alf eats cats for dinner; cat owners don’t find that funny! What if we were to have copy cat aliens coming down eating peoples cats because they saw it on Alf? It wasn’t very PC either. The hairy-people special interest group hadn’t been formed yet then but had they it surely would have been a lawsuit waiting to happen as they were always making fun of that!
Van Halen question- Sammy or Dave?
I have a special place in my heart because Sammy couldn’t drive 55. I cannot either. I try, I really do. But I just don’t have the patience. I feel much more comfortable at 135. You don’t get sleepy at 135. They get really pissed about it out by the elementary school though. But I digress.
No, I can’t abide Sammy; he’s just a fill in! First it’s Sammy filling in for David “I-got-a big-head-and-went-solo-only-to-end-up-in-Vegas” Lee Roth. Second, Eddie is looking so old these days even Keith Richard sent him some of that age defying skin cream! Which means it doesn’t matter because it’s all irrelevant now; they both can collect social security and has-been rock royalties and state fair appearance profits.
Personally, I think they should go ahead with stem cell research and genetically fuse the two of them together into Dammy to avoid the confusion once and for all! Dammy can’t drive 55 but he can jump! As long as he doesn’t break a hip that is…
If our furniture suddenly came alive and attacked all humans, would we have the resolve to fight a long war?
I’ve been anticipating this happening for many years. They’ve been secretly moving around via Craig’s List and Ebay for years now just plotting and getting into place. I never trusted those Lazy Boy chairs; they’re a trap for sure. They just lure you in and will swallow you up. I’m sure those levers you think will recline you back into a comfortable stupor will actually be launching missiles toward their main enemy: pets. That’s right; they want to take out pets first. They do the most damage to furniture after all.
I’m worried for humanity though. I don’t think in these times we have the resolve for a long war with furniture. We haven’t shown that we can resolve anything! It will be our downfall for sure. Plus, we won’t have anything to sit on to strategize. Comfortable strategizing is the key to success! Well, that and a good whiteboard.
As a follow-up to the last question describe the chaos being in an IKEA store at that exact moment.
It would be seemingly the worst possible place to be should furniture achieve consciousness. But luckily I know that to not be true given my thorough humorous study of IKEA.
You see, the great part about being trapped in IKEA is that their floor plan is so confusing furniture can’t possibly comprehend how to move around in there. Humans can; they just don’t like to. Using the specially designed shopping carts they use in there with the independent turning for every wheel, humans will be able to move much faster than most of the furniture.
One must also consider that only a fraction of the furniture is assembled too. Most of them will be too busy assembling their buddies based on unbelievably ridiculous assembly instructions that they won’t be able to battle with the humans right away. Fortunately even those that can battle are made of the cheapest material available so one good jump onto an attacking futon for example, and it’ll be out of commission. The import thing is for humans not to panic! Thing like furniture achieving consciousness happen all the time…
You are the best man at this wedding. Give us some of your reception speech.
“When I first me Sally, I was skeptical about her marrying Tom. I didn’t think she’d get her feet wet with that! But I’m glad for Tom she took the plunge. Together they can really pool their resources after that unfortunate dip in the economy. I’m also hoping they have a wonderful trip through life together. They should be able to handle it swimmingly!”
Why is a tin hat ok but a head scarf not ok if you are an Obama fan?
Ok, you would to THINK it was related to overzealous concerns that democrats don’t want terrorism linked to Obama by virtue of having Muslems with scarves seen publicly with him because you know the God fearing folks of this country that cannot read will automatically assume Obama is a terrorist himself and therefore not vote for him. Whew.
Well, you would be WRONG! A friend of a friend who’s wife’s ex-lover’s sister pet guinea pig told them that actually Obama doesn’t want his secret cross dressing addiction to leak out at this particular time. By hiding out in a bush for 17 days eating stale donuts and warm soda pop, VE investigators were able to obtain this photo:
Thanks for taking the time to do this VE. Any final thoughts?
Yeah, if they keep calling it Final Jeopardy, why does the show come on again the next day? Is there definition of final different than mine?
VE’s question for the readers:
Good hygiene is import to VE. Besides picking my nose, biting my nails and digging out ear wax in my car at stop lights, are there any other critical grooming things I could be doing while waiting in traffic?
Don’t forget you only have a couple more days to win a copy of ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘. Hurry over to the latest God Answers advice column and enter the contest before it is too late!
Welcome to the God Answers advice column where the Big Man himself dispenses valuable wisdom to those who seek it. This week we have a special addition to the column: a contest for you the readers! Yes that is right, you could win a copy of ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘. Details at the end of the post.
JumpOut asks: “If I pray really hard will it increase the traffic to my blog?”
I’d like to suggest that you watch the video of Ringo Starr, genius behind the beatles here on this blog; his disposition mirrors my own.
Seriously, what the hell makes you so special? Get in line with the billions before you and take a fucking number. Apparently there’s a popular belief that I have nothing else better to do with my time than to answer all the prayers of the world; it’s all noise and I’ve become very good at tuning it out. So please, pray to someone or something else; the response time will be much better and you’ll be more pleased with the results.
Mark asks: “How does one protect against the unintended effects of a “flaming blow job”?
I’m not quite sure if you’re referring to pregnancy or catching yourself on fire; having the garden hose on hand will suffice for the latter. Please drink responsibly.
Rickey asks: “God is a real sunuvabitch, isn’t he?”
I like to think I’ve mellowed out throughout the ages; haven’t you ever read the Old Testament?
muskrat asks: “Why do my balls smell?”
The odor from your genitals was carefully designed to identify and attract other members of your species and is caused by several forms of naturally growing bacteria. This bacteria on your skin multiples exponentially in the presence of sweat. Understanding that humans have learned to abhor their own natural scents in a vein attempt to deny inherent beastliness, I would suggest bathing or deodorizing if it becomes bothersome to yourself or others. Best of luck!
GOD
And now it is contest time…
Leave your question for God in the comments below and the best three chosen by me will win a free copy of ‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘! The winners will be announced in next week’s column.
There are a few rules of course:
~One question per person.
~You must use a valid email address or I won’t be able to contact you.
~Entry deadline is Sunday, November 2, 11:59pm EST.
The Rapture is coming and more importantly then will you survive is: are there any good investment opportunities?
‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘ by Steve and Evie Levy, as told to Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman is the complete tongue-in-cheek humor guide to all the financial options available when the End Days arrive and billions are left behind.
Like the lucky ones floating off into the sky it is best to have a plan.
The guide gives some great examples of how to fiscally thrive in seven years of Hell on Earth (It’s a dry heat so it could be worse), from selling people photos of their loved ones being Raptured away to robe cleaning services for the 144,000 evangelists trying to convert everyone to Judism.
‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘ helps you identify where and when to buy and sell certain investment vehicles like All-Unity Non-Taxable Investment Coupons (”Auntie-C’s“) and False Prophet Indeterminate Coupons (”F-Picks“). It deftly points out intriguing niche market opportunities in Israel.
The book also does an excellent job of defining the different stages of the End Times. Not sure if George Bush or Barack Obama is the Antichrist? Does a Israel/Palestine treaty signify the opening of one of the seven seals? At what stage should I trade my stockpile of canned tuna for a 2002 Nissan Maxima SE?
From the moment the First Seal is opened until God himself becomes our roommate, ‘Rapture‘ offers two-hundred-plus pages of ways you can make money while everyone else is trying to avoid death, famine, moving islands, meteors with amazing accuracy, and horsemen riding around killing people. Crazy ones with lions for heads.
I mean the horses not the people.
‘How to Profit from the Coming Rapture‘ was a fun read and my only complaint is that I didn’t think of the concept first.
Would you like to win a copy of ‘Rapture‘? Then get your best questions ready for tomorrow’s God Answers advice column and you could be a winner!
Time for the sixth and final humor cartoon in the series of ‘US Voter Jokes‘, the fun political humor comic strip that satirizes what our politicians say about us behind closed doors. You know, what they really think. The funny thing is as of next week one of these guys will be making fun of US voters in the Oval Office.
This work by Chris Cameron is licensed for non-commercial usage only. Any usage must also contain credit to the original work here as well as to the author.
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