Global Warming Causes Everything

Before I begin, I forgot that we are supposed to call it climate change not global warming anymore. This allows the political scientists a wider umbrella to blame more random events on people. Blaming is fun.

But why stop at saying global warming, I mean climate change caused the civil war in Sudan? We can literally pin the blame of everything on this. That way we are pointing the finger at others for our problems but not directly. It’s a very politically correct and friendly way of shaking someone’s hand while sticking a knife in their back.

Passive-aggressiveness anyone?

Nothing will ever be your fault anymore. And the best part is climate change happens all the time, every day. Sometimes it changes within hours, even minutes! Wow! It is a consistent, reusable recourse for laying the blame on the shoulders of your friends, family, and loved ones. Hear that social environmentalists? This concept is recyclable.

So you had a bad day at work today. Climate change probably was behind it. All that extra CO2 and heat in the air got under the skin of your co-workers and made everyone irritable, especially your boss who gave you a stack of paperwork right before lunch. If I were you I would sneak around and keep the air conditioning turned down so that your fellow employees don’t cause any more global warming, I mean climate change. You want all good days at work right?

See how easy that is? Your bad day had nothing to do with spending an hour reading stuff like this when you should have been working and thus falling behind on what you are actually supposed to be doing.

But who am I to judge. I am here to help you blame others in your life for your problems. I could care less what you do at work.

Got into a fender bender? Climate change was the reason. Because the planet is being warmed by people like your family and friends, it makes you drowsy. This then lowers your reaction time when driving making you more likely to get into a car accident. Tell your sister she needs to buy a Prius even though she can’t afford it. She got you into this climate change mess in the first place; she should help bear your financial burden.

Broke your leg skiing? Climate change caused the incline of the ski path to increase, making the slope more dangerous. Mom’s SUV is to blame. Total it and then she will have to buy a hybrid. She broke your leg after all.

Girlfriend dumped you? Her carbon footprint was too big, you just never realized it.

Once you get going, you can blame everything bad that happens to you on the ones you love and care about. And once you run out of people you know who cause climate change, you can apply the same concept to strangers. With seven billion people on the planet, there is an endless supply of humans who can be blamed for something.

So the next time someone in your life asks you why you cause yourself so many problems just turn to them and say it’s their fault for causing climate change. And be forceful too, you have a right to be. Since humans are to blame for global warming and everyone in your social circles are humans, it is their fault. Not yours, theirs.

You will be feeling better about your life’s worries and issues in no time. It will be like a weight being lifted off your shoulders. Try it today and start living a more care-free life knowing it is their fault.

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