My Trip to Zuranus, an Alien World

1 Oct

My Trip to Zuranus, an Alien World

Posted on 2007 under Miscellany of Humor |

A few years ago, I was out walking my dog after dinner when it occurred to me: I don’t have a dog. But this was not as unusual as the beam of light that suddenly shined down on me. In seconds there was only white light, then it faded, like the flash of a camera. There I was face-to-face with aliens.

But they were wearing women’s clothing.

“Hello, I guess. Do you understand me?” I said half in shock at the site of aliens in dresses standing there on their alien starship.
“Yes we do, and hello.” One of them replied. “I am Grim and this is Glop. We are from the planet Zuranus. We have admired your world for some time now. Many of your rituals and beliefs have been incorporated into our society. Would you like to go there and see it?”
“Sure, but what is with the women’s clothing?”
”We are cross-dressers, much like many males of your species. They seem to enjoy it and we can see why. But I think I have a wedge.”
“You aren’t going to give me an anal probe are you?”
“We don’t do that anymore.”
“Are we ready Grim?” Glop said as he pushed buttons and levers on the control panel.
“Not without a little pick me up first.” Grim winked and gently nudged me with his elbow a few times as a panel opened up, revealing a mirror and an ample supply of cocaine. At least I think it was his elbow.
“Go nuts!” Grim yelled, as some sort of rally cry I assume. Maybe this was a good time to bail but curiosity got the better of me. I would not have long to wonder what other habits they picked up from us as the ship burst out of the wormhole.

“Welcome! What happens here stays in Zuranus.” Read the billboard announcing our arrival at the aliens’ home world. I couldn’t help but think they got the concept wrong when they adapted the famous Las Vegas ad promotion to their world. But it sure looked like The Strip. Hotels, casinos, and billboards orbited the planet. It would turn out that this part of the world was the tame area.

We touched down on the surface, and it looked much like ours. Grim and Glop led me down an alleyway where I saw what appeared to be an alien hooker servicing someone. This was a lot like Earth. At least that is what I thought until we arrived at the park, the gathering place for the aliens.

It was like Cirque Du Soleil, the Playboy Mansion, and Carnival on LSD and mushrooms. Everywhere I looked there were all kinds of gross and perverse forms of debauchery. One alien was having sex with a goat while a monkey smoking a cigarette watched. Apparently, he had his turn already. A man wearing women’s underwear walked past two midget aliens doing heroin.

Some were engaged in scatology, while others were giving out yellow discipline. Aliens were having sex with what appeared to be young alien boys and girls; a few were dressed like Catholic priests. It was like some sort of twisted and sick orgy of your worst imagination happening live.

“Call me crazy but it seems like you took all of our bad habits and none of our good ones?” I noted to Glop.
“Oh, you mean like religion?” Glop replied. “Boy that one really got in the way of our fun. Once we got rid of those archaic rules it was game on, as you humans like to say. What you like to call bad we call a good time.”

People have tried to imagine our world in this state, this form. But they never saw a vision like this. The Pope would have shit his pants if he stumbled onto this scene. It is too bad the aliens here would have misinterpreted that as joining in on the action.

Nothing though could prepare me for what I saw next. It was the pinnacle of debauchery, the height of lows. There in the center of the park, in all its glory was a statue of Michael Jackson made from solid gold.

“You have a statue of a kid toucher?” I said shockingly.
“He is our God, our idol.” Glop pointed out.
“Ok, I think I have seen enough, can I go back now?”
“But the trisexual parade is about to start.”
“I will be sad I missed it, but thanks anyway.”

As we zipped along back to Earth through the wormhole, I couldn’t help but think about all the debauchery and the mayhem and what a messed-up world that was. Before I could ponder it further, Grim approached me.
“I have some good news and some bad news Chris.”
“Hmm, I’ll take the good first.”
“We were kidding about not anal probing you.”
“Holy shit, what the hell is the bad news?!”
“We don’t use metal probes anymore.” Grim said as he pulled down his pants.

(Reprinted from former blog)