Posts from — October 2007

Happy Halloween everyone.

There are two things about this ‘holiday’ I just don’t get.

Why do towns insist on having Trick or Treat on other nights?

Some councilman or woman thinks an advertised event on a different night will deter vandals. Yah, all these people with eggs and toilet paper show up on the 31st wondering where the hell everyone is.

Do they have to show every horror movie ever made this week?

There are only so many Jason or zombie films I can handle in three days. On a side note I think the people that play zombies in movies are better actors then the Rock.

[Artwork by Toondoo. Concept and Dialogue by Chris Cameron.]

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Since Al Gore won the Nobel Peace prize I guess Global Warming has to be real. Either that or the review board hates the Jews. A woman who saved 2,500 real actual people from the Holocaust loses out to the potential to save possible lives in the future.

But what if these future people suck to live with? What if they are really stupid? Great work Al, you just made the planet much more annoying.

I am sorry, I meant to say that Al Gore is someone we should be listening to. Our children’s financial future is at stake. Did I say financial? My bad, I am so silly. I meant environmental future.

This will take some time to get used to being on the ‘pro’ side of the ‘warming is bad’ debate. Bear with me.

So how do we take advantage of, I mean help the planet get better?

Really, I mean it.

Welcome to another edition of Bloggers Speak. Every other week I interview an author from the fine assortment of funny people on humor blogs.com.

We are joined today by Lord Likely from The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Lord Likely. How is everything going?

Lord Likely: Good day, sir! Do you mind awfully if I just loosen my trousers a bit? I find it better facilitates the question answering process. Ah-hah! That is much more agreeable. My ‘Lord Palmerston’ needs room to breathe, sometimes.

Now, where were we? Ah, yes. Everything is going swimmingly, thank you very much. Most swimmingly indeed!

C: What is worse then befriending a Frenchman?

LL: I suppose the only thing worse than befriending a Frenchman is BEING a Frenchman. Imagine the horror a Frenchman must feel when he wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror and realises he is still French. It must be awful. But there you go, such is life. Or, as I believe the French say, “Surch eees laife”.

C: Your thoughts on All Souls Day.

LL: Arseholes Day? What in damnation is Arseholes Day? It sounds disgusting, yet simultaneously highly erotic.

C: Have you made a choice on what Halloween costume you will be wearing this year?

LL: I shall be dressing up as a Frenchman. Oh, the horror!

C: Who do you think would be the best presidential candidate to spend an intimate night with?

LL: Well, speaking from experience, I can vouch that ‘Honest’ Abraham Lincoln made for a wonderfully considerate and warm lover. Mr. Lincoln emancipated my Lord Palmerston from the confines of my underpants, and I salute him for it.

C: What do you think your future kin are doing in 2007?

LL: I should like to think that the Likely lineage are continuing to do what we Likelys do best; traveling the globe, setting out on astonishing adventures, seducing ladies and getting quite, quite drunk. I just hope they do not wind up sitting on their fat behinds in the House of Lords all day, discussing politics. That would be terrible. Having said that, I have sown my fertile seed in so many hairy fields I dare say that by 2007 half the world’s population could be of Likely stock. And that is quite a thrilling prospect, I am sure you would agree.

C: What is the worst thing about having a man-servant?

LL: Well, my man-servant, Botter, is entirely adequate, but I have to say he does reek rather badly. It is no exaggeration to say that he smells exactly like a dog who has just come in out of the rain. And the rain was made out of effluence. And the dog was on fire. And vomiting. He smells just like that. Also, another wearying aspect of having a servant is their continued instance on being paid. They should perform their services out of love, I feel.

C: Has anyone managed to stay on their feet through a whole orgasm?

LL: I once had intercourse with a female diver, who insisted on keeping her diving boots on throughout the entire sex act. I think that in doing so, she saved herself the indignity of being embedded into the ceiling through the force of my mighty, aristocratic ejaculations.

C: Why would a man on a Harley be wearing a diaper and panty hose?

LL: It would depend entirely on who this ‘Harley’ fellow is of which you speak. From the sound of it, he seems like some sort of sexual deviant. I should like to meet him. Do you have his address?

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Lord Likely. Any parting thoughts?

LL: Would you like to touch my Lord Palmerston? He does not bite, although he may spit in your eye.

Lord Likely’s question for the readers: Some people say that having a family is life’s biggest adventure. Is this true, or are these people talking out of their bottoms?
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Once again, my genius at solving the world’s problems manifests itself. I fixed homelessness. I showed all of you a way to use Global Warming to your benefit. I introduced ways to help reach the goal of a hot 2007. This time I will tackle one of society’s biggest issues, what I call the grand-daddy of them all: stupidity.

We could do it the old-fashioned way by ensuring only the smart people breed, but this would take decades of work, and a lot of arguing in Congress. Meanwhile, more and more dumb people are born each day. The problem is growing and it will not stop.

We need radical action.

I propose we take the dumbest members of our planet and send them on the first manned mission to the Sun. I do not mean people who are mentally retarded. I think that would be cruel and unfair. We will have to do some negotiating with blonds and polish people though.

But Chris, that is a lot of people you say. Of course it is. But think about the world we could be living in. The population would be lower because there would not be stupid sixteen year old children who think it is a great idea to ignore birth control. I hate to break the bad news, but the Amtrak method doesn’t work.

Math and science scores would skyrocket, most likely leading to cures for cancer, diabetes, and most other diseases and problems that hurt our life expectancy. Think about it, you would be able to do your taxes because you would actually understand the code. Our children would grow up knowing how to program the DVD player clock.

Isn’t that worth the effort?

So how do we determine who is smart and who is stupid? That is simple. We take all the extra testing schools have been doing thanks to No Child Left Behind to come up with a Bell curve based on the scores. The further to the right you are, the smarter you are. For the final step we divide the curve in half and everyone on the left gets a golden ticket to the Sun.

This does leaves out all the adults. One of the ways we can determine which of them qualify is to use the dumb children on the curve. Since they are stupid, there is a very good chance those genes were inherited. For the dummies without kids, we email them a quiz based on the school testing.

Identifying and separating the stupid from the smart is the easy part, even though it looks hard. The real challenge is convincing the dumb people. Even most of them won’t just go willingly. Even if we told them there would be donuts and cookies.

We need something big, something that can attract a lot of stupid people. As I was watching Big Brother the other day, it came to me: reality television.

The show will be called ‘Be an Astronaut’ and whichever network it runs on will be partnered with NASA. While people will think there will be only one winner, everyone gets to go. We could even allow viewer voting with a twist. Fans vote for one stupid person to remain on Earth as a reminder of the sacrifices we have made to make this world a better place for all.

The cost to NASA would be for the space suits and ship. They don’t really need to spend a lot on training because it is a one-way trip and the command center will pilot the ship remotely. The stupid people would just think they are driving. Remember when you were a little kid and your parents gave you that fake steering wheel so you could pretend you were driving? Same concept.

Of course questions are going to arise.

Dumb Person #1: “How will this be possible?”
NASA: “We will be going at night”
Dummie #2: “How will the ship stand up to the massive heat?
NASA: “We have determined that if we go fast enough we can fly right into the core unharmed where it is actually cool and tropical. There is even a corona.”
Idiot #3: “There is beer on the sun?”
NASA: “Sure what the hell. We launch next month.”

There is a drawback. Over time, even smart people will breed dumb offspring, leaving us right back where we started. We counter with ongoing seasons of the reality show. We could even go with different themes of the same premise.

“Trek to the Center of the Planet” or “Fly to the Moon” are a few alternate ideas.

Reducing stupidity is a sound concept and something I think we can achieve without waiting years for Congress to debate the issue, eventually doing nothing about the problem.

Heck, we can include the politicians in the trip. Just tell them it will be a global warming photo-op and they will be all over it.

What a wonderful world it would be.

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Welcome to another edition of Bloggers Speak. Every other week I interview an author from the fine assortment of funny people on humor blogs.com.

We are joined today by Howard from The Web Pen Blog. He is also a member of Monkey’s Uncle, an improv comedy group out of Denver, Colorado.

Chris: Welcome to the feature Howard. How are you doing?

Howard: Hey, dude. Feelin’ groovy. Just snorted an entire jar of Vicks Vapor Rub. Whoa! My computer screen just turned plaid! Nah-ah-ah-ah. Bitchin’!

C: What do you think is the worst Halloween costume?

H: Homemade ones. C’mon, the economy is on its way down again. Buying a pre-made costume ensures our country’s economic stability. And if you still decide to make your own, guess what? You’re still making more than those poor Asian children.

C: Does it smell like snow?

H: I’m sure I don’t know what cocaine smells like. Do you, Chris? Maybe from your frat days? Need I notify Homeland Security?

C: Great taste or less filling?

H: Please! Great taste! I’m American and so find nothing more satisfying than stuffing myself like a megalomaniacal fat cat.

C: Who do you think is the whitest US presidential candidate and why?

H: Mitt Romney. Have you seen this guy dance? Even Quakers get embarrassed.

C: Most interesting thing about being in an improv comedy group.

H: Watching it. Putting together an improv show involves a lot of paperwork, planning, promotion, ass-kissing, tears, ego feeding, drama, thought, sweat — I could go on and on. Turns out doing a show is the exact antithesis of the meaning of improv. It’s much easier to pay $6 on Monday, October 15 at Jazz@Jack’s in the Denver Pavilions at 7:30 PM, have two drinks and just let five talent people entertain you. Perhaps even make plans to see Monkey’s Uncle 6th Anniversary Show on November 19.\par
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(Psst, do you think that will stop people from forming even more rival comedy troupes?)

C: Have you ever thought of suing a tree?

H: The fruit that bore this question is that I was attacked by a tree last year which caused my ears to ring and required eight stitches. It wasn’t easy as I’m no twig of a man; however, the tree seemed to want to branch out from its customary stationary placement and lash out with deep-rooted resentment. Instead of barking out my anger, I decided to just leaf it be as I arbor no ill will.

C: Your thoughts on the word ointment.

H: “It puts the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it’s told.”

C: Why isn’t the Half Hour News Hour parody news show on FOX funny?

H: Well, they certainly aren’t funny now that they’ve been canceled. Seriously though? They never learned subtlety. The humor was always the in-your-face brand humor of Mel Brooks. They also couldn’t seem to laugh at themselves. Even though The Daily Show has a left leaning, they still mock and make fun of their own candidates. If you can’t laugh at yourself, you’ll never be able to add a subtle elbow nudging to your material — it will only come across as mean-spirited. Boiled down: if they had just taken a wider stance, their show wouldn’t have been stalled. Thank you! I’ll be here all day.

On a related note: I did like a commercial parody they did for the Hillary Clinton pill although it was only funny because it spoofed pharmaceutical commercials.

C: Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Howard. Any parting thoughts?

H: The Vicks seems to not last as long lately. I’m thinking of moving up to Absorbine Jr. Oh, and thanks, Chris, for letting me being a guest on Nothing to See Here.

Howard’s Question to the readers: Why is it that no good deed goes unpunished? There has to be a reason that it is not only a cliche, but also true.
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Clang!

The shovel rang out as it hit an object buried in the backyard where I was digging the hole for the new in-ground swimming pool I envisioned going nicely with my new deck. I stopped for a moment, and then gingerly pried it from its resting spot. It was a bottle of some kind and covered in dirt and grime but I could make out a label of some kind faintly beneath the earthen buildup.

I used the bottom of my t-shirt to remove the gunk but it was stubborn. I rubber harder on the bottle and suddenly smoke and mist poured out. An olive-skinned man then appeared in from of me.

“Hello I am the genie of the lamp.” he said with a thick Indian accent.
“You don’t look like a genie.”
“Yes, these days the customer service portions of the genie industry are outsourced but I assure you I am American.”
“That is not an American accent.”
“Sure it is.”
“Fine. Whatever” I muttered as I looked the man over. “What about your turban and the vest?”
“I have three other customers on hold right now, do you want the wishes or not?”
“Sure.”
“You get three.”
“Ok, I want to be rich for starters.”
“Done” The genie snapped his fingers. “Look in your wallet.”
I nervously reached into my back pocket. I was disappointed when I saw the billfold was empty. “Umm what happened? There isn’t any money in here.”
“The license.”
I examined my driver’s license, and sure enough the name on it was Richard Cameron. “I didn’t mean literally.”
“Oh I am so sorry.” The genie snapped his fingers “Fixed.”
I looked again at my license and it was back to normal. “So we understand each other, when I mean rich…”
“I am sorry, I failed to mention turning you back into Chris required the use of your second wish, leaving you with one more. Use it wisely.”
“Wait, you screwed up not me”
“I am sorry, I failed to mention turning you back into Chris required the use of your second wish, leaving you with one more. Use it wisely.”
“Do you even understand what I am saying?”
“Yes.”
“Then why did that cost me a wish?”
“You have one more wish. Use it wisely.”
I sighed as I tried to be clearer this time. “I want a million dollars! Pennies from heaven, that whole thing.”

“Done.” The genie snapped his fingers one more time. “It has been a pleasure doing business with you, good day.” Snapping his fingers one last time, he disappeared. No sooner had he vanished when pennies began raining down from the sky. I ran for cover on the porch and watched the backyard slowly fill up with what I assumed were one hundred million coins.

“Friggin’ outsourcing.”

(Reprinted from former blog)

Before I begin, I want to apologize.

I forgot that we are supposed to call it climate change not global warming anymore. This allows the political scientists a wider umbrella to blame more random events on people because the blame game is fun.

I recommend we follow their lead and blame everything on global warming, I mean climate change.

Say you had a bad day at work today. Climate change has to be the culprit. All that extra CO2 and heat in the air got under the skin of your co-workers and made everyone irritable, especially your boss who gave you a stack of paperwork right before lunch.

If I were you I would keep the air conditioning/heat turned down in the office so that your fellow employees don’t cause any more global warming.

You want all good days at work right?

Got into a fender bender? Climate change was the reason.

Because the planet is being warmed by people like your family and friends, it made you drowsy. This resulted in lower reaction time and increased the likelihood of an accident.

Tell your sister she needs to buy a Prius even though she can’t afford it. She got you into this climate change mess in the first place. She should help bear your financial burden.

Broke your leg skiing? Climate change caused the incline of the ski path to increase, making the slope more dangerous. Mom’s SUV is to blame. Total it and then she will have to buy a hybrid.

She broke your leg after all.

Girlfriend dumped you?Her carbon footprint was too big, you just never realized it.

See how easy it is? Nothing will ever be your fault anymore.

The best part is climate change happens all the time, every day. Sometimes it changes within hours, even minutes.

It is a consistent, reusable resource for laying the blame on the shoulders of your friends, family, and loved ones. Hear that social environmentalists?

This concept is recyclable.

Plus, there are seven billion people on the planet. That is an endless supply of humans who can be blamed for something gone wrong in your life.

So the next time someone asks you why you cause yourself so many problems just turn to them and say it’s their fault for causing climate change.

[Read Part One of 'Initiation Night']

So Initiation Night had arrived. How ready were the pledges? We planned a practical joke for the special event and it worked to perfection.

To help with the ruse we got a local alumnus who would play the part of the regional representative. Another key to the situation were the colors red and gray. These are the colors of our fraternity and their meaning is not disclosed until the formal initiation.

We gathered the pledges in the basement and gave a nice speech. It sounded like something you would hear before you were initiated. But just before we spit out the words “you guys are all in” the rep spoke up.

He got mad and started questioning why we are letting them in without them knowing everything. We worked it up into this big drama, and all the brothers and the rep retreated into another room to seemingly argue about it.

We waited a little bit then came back and told the pledges there was a problem. They would all have to be asked about the meaning of the colors, and answer correctly. Even the ones that actually studied were worried because they must have known this was not covered in the manual (yes, we had a pledge manual).

So we led them up, one at a time to another room in the house where the rep asked each of them what the meaning of red and gray were. I can’t remember what the responses were but it was pretty funny watching them completely make shit up. But at least they tried to give an answer and some of them were creative.

They were blindfolded once they came back from questioning, and we had them standing in a big circle. Once everyone was done, we reset everyone and a brother got between every pledge so it was pledge-brother-pledge-brother, etc. We had everyone hold hands too.

No it is not what you think you pervert. The hands part will make sense in the next paragraph.

We said some of them got the question right, some got it wrong. We then told them whoever got them right step forward. The brothers all stepped forward.

Then we said: “those that have stepped forward, you are all in. The rest must go home.” I cannot remember specifically what we said, I will be honest, but that was the gist of it.

Imagine you have pledged a fraternity for eighteen weeks. You have not been allowed to drink beer and were actually watched to be sure you didn’t. You have cleaned each fraternity brother’s apartment at least thirty times. You have been woken up at three am to run around the fraternity house a few times then sent back to bed. You spent the last few days of pledging on the concrete basement floor of the house.

Then on the night you are about to get in some rep you have never seen before claims shenanigans. You take a test that depends on membership yet you know you will not answer it right.

Then when the point of actual initiation comes, you feel the tug of others stepping forward and becoming brothers while all your hard work and effort was for nothing because you didn’t know an answer that you shouldn’t even know yet.

Now imagine the feeling when you hear champagne corks pop and you realize you are in.

They were so happy when they heard this. It was like they won the World Series, everyone was screaming and yelling and pouring beer and champagne all over each other.

All that was needed was Deion Sanders dumping Gatorade on Tim McCarver.

College was a lot of fun and as I have said quite a few times before, being in a fraternity was like that same fun times a thousand. Beer was free, there were always girls around, and you had pledges to be your errand boys. Good times.

Our fraternity was also one of the top on campus. We won best frat two out of the first three years of the award. Our parties were huge and one was so big we had to bus people in. Our house sat on a hill overlooking campus, and we made huge wooden letters and placed them on the roof. California has the Hollywood sign, my school had TKE.

We had a Coke machine that dispensed beer. We had a jukebox and we figured out that by turning it off and on a certain number of times, it would give like 1,600 credits.

To be honest, things were so successful I still wonder if it really happened, it was all like some amazing kick-ass dream. I feel very lucky to have been a part of it. As I have said many times, it was some of the best years of my life.

But the most fun of all were the pledges, the future of the fraternity.

Our first pledge group was duly named the Alpha class. Being a Greek organization, each class was the corresponding letter with the alphabet, alpha, beta, gamma, etc…. I don’t know why fraternities and sororities are part of a Greek system, but I can assure you that aside from this, we learned nothing about Greece.

The nine of them began their pledge period with a simple drinking night. They were all put in a room by themselves with a ½ keg. They had to hold it up off the ground until it was empty. A ½ keg can be easily held up by one person. A bunch of them can easily keep it up for hours. We were drinking downstairs.

It wasn’t like we were dicks about it though. We were drinking from the same keg and we were a bunch of lushes. One nice side benefit was this helped them get to know each other, and created a teamwork situation right from the start.

It was also the only time during the pledge program they would be allowed to drink. Not only that but they ended up cleaning all our apartments all the time. Years later the Alpha class would still be referred to as the ‘cleaning pledges’.

We also had them carry odd things. Like a small rock that they would later paint and put the fraternity letters on. It seems stupid, but then they would give it to their fraternity ‘big brother’ (mentor). This part was pretty cool, and to this day the one my little brother gave me is still sitting on my bookcase.

There were also the odd questions they would have to know the answers to, like how many nipple hairs I had (thirteen but I had one removed) or who Gene Pitney was (country singer from the 50’s whose picture was on the basement wall when we moved into our fraternity house.).

So the night of initiation came. (This was the informal initiation. The formal one involved seriousness, suits, and representatives from headquarters.) The pledges were excited. It was finally their big day.

Little did they know what was in store.

Read the conclusion

A few years ago, I was out walking my dog after dinner when it occurred to me: I don’t have a dog. But this was not as unusual as the beam of light that suddenly shined down on me. In seconds there was only white light, then it faded, like the flash of a camera. There I was face-to-face with aliens.

But they were wearing women’s clothing.

“Hello, I guess. Do you understand me?” I said half in shock at the site of aliens in dresses standing there on their alien starship.
“Yes we do, and hello.” One of them replied. “I am Grim and this is Glop. We are from the planet Zuranus. We have admired your world for some time now. Many of your rituals and beliefs have been incorporated into our society. Would you like to go there and see it?”
“Sure, but what is with the women’s clothing?”
”We are cross-dressers, much like many males of your species. They seem to enjoy it and we can see why. But I think I have a wedge.”
“You aren’t going to give me an anal probe are you?”
“We don’t do that anymore.”
“Are we ready Grim?” Glop said as he pushed buttons and levers on the control panel.
“Not without a little pick me up first.” Grim winked and gently nudged me with his elbow a few times as a panel opened up, revealing a mirror and an ample supply of cocaine. At least I think it was his elbow.
“Go nuts!” Grim yelled, as some sort of rally cry I assume. Maybe this was a good time to bail but curiosity got the better of me. I would not have long to wonder what other habits they picked up from us as the ship burst out of the wormhole.

“Welcome! What happens here stays in Zuranus.” Read the billboard announcing our arrival at the aliens’ home world. I couldn’t help but think they got the concept wrong when they adapted the famous Las Vegas ad promotion to their world. But it sure looked like The Strip. Hotels, casinos, and billboards orbited the planet. It would turn out that this part of the world was the tame area.

We touched down on the surface, and it looked much like ours. Grim and Glop led me down an alleyway where I saw what appeared to be an alien hooker servicing someone. This was a lot like Earth. At least that is what I thought until we arrived at the park, the gathering place for the aliens.

It was like Cirque Du Soleil, the Playboy Mansion, and Carnival on LSD and mushrooms. Everywhere I looked there were all kinds of gross and perverse forms of debauchery. One alien was having sex with a goat while a monkey smoking a cigarette watched. Apparently, he had his turn already. A man wearing women’s underwear walked past two midget aliens doing heroin.

Some were engaged in scatology, while others were giving out yellow discipline. Aliens were having sex with what appeared to be young alien boys and girls; a few were dressed like Catholic priests. It was like some sort of twisted and sick orgy of your worst imagination happening live.

“Call me crazy but it seems like you took all of our bad habits and none of our good ones?” I noted to Glop.
“Oh, you mean like religion?” Glop replied. “Boy that one really got in the way of our fun. Once we got rid of those archaic rules it was game on, as you humans like to say. What you like to call bad we call a good time.”

People have tried to imagine our world in this state, this form. But they never saw a vision like this. The Pope would have shit his pants if he stumbled onto this scene. It is too bad the aliens here would have misinterpreted that as joining in on the action.

Nothing though could prepare me for what I saw next. It was the pinnacle of debauchery, the height of lows. There in the center of the park, in all its glory was a statue of Michael Jackson made from solid gold.

“You have a statue of a kid toucher?” I said shockingly.
“He is our God, our idol.” Glop pointed out.
“Ok, I think I have seen enough, can I go back now?”
“But the trisexual parade is about to start.”
“I will be sad I missed it, but thanks anyway.”

As we zipped along back to Earth through the wormhole, I couldn’t help but think about all the debauchery and the mayhem and what a messed-up world that was. Before I could ponder it further, Grim approached me.
“I have some good news and some bad news Chris.”
“Hmm, I’ll take the good first.”
“We were kidding about not anal probing you.”
“Holy shit, what the hell is the bad news?!”
“We don’t use metal probes anymore.” Grim said as he pulled down his pants.