Bloggers Speak: Diesel from Mattress Police

27 Sep

Bloggers Speak: Diesel from Mattress Police

Posted on 2007 under Bloggers Speak |

dthumb Welcome to our first edition of ‘Humor Bloggers Speak’, the bi-weekly exclusive interviews of humor blogs. We are joined today by Diesel from Mattress Police. He is webmaster for the highly-successful Humor-Blogs directory as well as the author of a very funny book ‘Antisocial Commentary’.

Chris: Welcome Diesel. How’s everything going?

Diesel: Visibility is only about 300 yards right now, but I’d say that everything within that range looks ok. I think there might be some bad shit going down behind me though.

C: What really popular blog do you hate the most and why?

D: This is going to sound like a cop-out, but I really don’t hate any blogs. In the introduction to Antisocial Commentary (which I noticed you have a link to on your site, so thanks!), I originally had a slam on Dooce, but when I was editing it I thought, “Why am I slamming Dooce? The only thing I have against her is that she’s way more popular than me.” I don’t want people slamming me just for being popular (in the unlikely event my blog is ever that popular).

I will say that Dooce.com is way more popular than it has any right to be, and there are a lot of other blogs that deserve to be way more popular than they are. That’s the main reason I started humor blogs.com. I wanted to create a site that objectively ranked funny blogs, rather than just listing the most popular blogs, which is what most blog directories do.

C: Your thoughts on Arbor Day

D: It seems rather arbitrary to me. Why trees? Why can’t there be a Shrubbery Day? Or Cat Day? I think this country would be a better place if each of us would take one day out of the year to plant a cat in the ground.

C: Great taste or less filling?

D: I find that this is a sliding scale that tracks my slowing metabolism. You know those little plastic cups of non-dairy creamer that you get in restaurants? (By the way, does it scare anyone else that that stuff is identified by what it’s NOT? What other kind of food do you know of that does that? Would you eat something called “Not Chicken”?) Anyway, I used to DRINK that stuff. When I was in my 20s I could eat ANYTHING and I was so skinny that my anatomy professor used to make me take off my shirt so he could point out where the spleen was. At least, that was the reason that he gave me. Anyway, now that I’m getting older I’m finding that I have to drink diet soda and other disgusting crap so that I don’t have to buy new pants every six months.

C: Who do you think is the funniest US presidential candidate and why?

D: I’m going to have to go with Hillary on this one. I like the idea of feminists getting excited about a woman who is only in the public eye because she was married to the most famous womanizing creep ever. She’s like irony incarnate. Makes me think that we need to run Larry Craig’s wife for something.

C: What is it like trying to get a book published?

D: The main thing that I’ve learned about publishing is that it’s SLOW. While I was still working on Antisocial Commentary, a friend put me in touch with the acquisitions editor for a publishing company that is pretty well known for its humor books. I’m a relatively unknown writer, so they weren’t really interested in a book filled with my random musings. They basically just wanted a hack to put together a book about 100 Ways to Kill a Penguin With a Banana or something. You know, the kind of books you find in the Humor section of Barnes and Noble. Which is fine, I don’t mind being a hack. So I put together a proposal for them about a humor book having to do with vampires. She liked it, and told me they’d get back to me. In the mean time, I finished editing Antisocial Commentary, designed the cover, published it through Lulu.com, and began selling copies from my site.

The point is that I was able to self-publish Antisocial Commentary in less time than it took for a “real” publishing company to even give me a response to my proposal. And I’m really glad I did it, because now I’ve got a book that I can show people — and looking at it you’d never know that I published it myself. I’m hoping to generate enough buzz with it so that when I finish my NEXT book — which is a humorous novel sort of in the vein of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy — I’ll be able to get it published before I’m eligible for Social Security.

C: The Pony Express leaves with shipments of your book from California. How long does it take for it to reach New York?

D: Dude, I simply cannot explain how long it took my book to get to your house. Those ponies must have been seriously sick or something. I mean, I sent out like 70 books that day, and the one I sent to SPAIN arrived 3 days before you got yours. Do you live in an underground bunker or something?

(Editor’s note: Mail is very very slow around here.)

C: I would like to breed some fire-bellied toads. How do I?

D: I really don’t think it’s any of my business who you want to breed with.

C: What is Grundir the Implacable’s taste in music?

D: He’s not really big into music. I know he really misses the screams of Orcs being worked to death in the infernal factories of Mordor. Also Bjork.

C:Thanks a lot for taking the time to do this interview Diesel. Any last words for the readers?

D: Last words? Don’t I even get a cigarette? Buy my book! It’s funny! Even Chris thinks so!

Diesel’s question for the readers:

“Is it just me, or is this the worst season ever for Last Comic Standing? These guys make Ant look funny.”

Answer now in the comments section!

(Reprinted from former blog)