Answering Yahoo Answers

21 Sep

Posted on 2007 under Miscellany of Humor |

Hello everyone, I am Doctor N.C. Heere and I am back with another fine edition of my advice column. So many people go to Yahoo Answers but few are given good counsel. Chris hired me to be that voice, that beacon of hope for the readers.

Today I dispense my wonderful and useful advice from the lovely city of Detroit. But once again my travel agent feels the need to play cruel jokes on me with travel arrangements that are sub-par. I have never heard of the “Motel No-Tell” chain but I seriously question its four-star rating as assured to me by said agent.

The room is full of these bugs that scatter when the lights come on. I also am not aware that a blinking neon sign is a good thing next to a bedroom window. But at least it is not this place.

The family who stayed there truly took their life into their own hands. Here in this hotel that only happens if you leave the property.

This month, along with the advice I will be commenting on a few actual responses to the questions. Mark Twain surely was correct when he said people are idiots. Let’s get started shall we?

1. You probably have seen the green and white USDA Organic symbol on foods at your grocery store. What do you expect from products that bear this label?

Since this is a government entity I expect overspending on the look and color of the label. I expect someone to be paid $100,000 to be in charge of the labeling, yet the staff below them gets crapola wages. I expect this to result in careless oversight of the industry accompanied by kickbacks in exchange for looking the other way.

Oh, yes well I would expect it to be grown in some kind of soil or liquid also.

2. Have you ever thought about what our human lives would be like, if we left nature alone?

I would imagine there would be less of us with a complete set of extremities. If we left nature on its own it would just build massive societies that encroached our land. This would cause us to forage through their dumpsters and eat their pet dogs and cats. The shoe would clearly be on the other hand.

The question my friend is, would nature leave us alone?

This is one of the actual responses to this question: “If nobody ever trimmed the bottom branches off trees, they would probably never fall over, even in most hurricanes, and we would live in a root system, wouldn’t we ? Think how different it would be !”

I disagree. I think it would be good. This way, when you fall out of the stupid tree you will hit less branches on the way down.

3. Disney going down the tubes? agree or disagree?

Like many of you, I can not wait for the day that dreaded mouse dies. There have been many times when I wished I had the fortitude to do the deed myself. If this world trip of mine takes me to California, I shall think about it. Every Disney cartoon is the same plot and it always starts with dead parents. Awful, awful, awful.

So to answer this question I would have to say I am on the fence on this one.

4. Libra female and Gemini male, what’s that like?

Well, I would have to say, that in my professional medical opinion it would involve a lot of heavy petting, grunting, motion, sweat, other bodily fluids, and a cigarette three minutes later.

Watch out for the Scorpios, they like to tie people up.

5. Is it true that NASA are planning a manned space mission to the sun?

An actual response: “my friend told me this i thought it would be impossible but he says its not cos they are going at night..anybody else know of this?”

Those NASA scientists are so clever. The response, not so much.

I think the following statement sums up my answer on this one: If the person from #5 and the person from #2 were in a stupidity contest it would probably end in a stalemate. #6 comes in a close second.

6. Did he say i love you cause i’m pregnant?

No, he said that a few months earlier, thus leading to your current situation. I would also deduce that your boyfriend’s ‘I love you’ sounds like a desperate cry for help. If I was seventeen and my pinnacle of career success to date was being able to man the grill and the fryer simultaneously at Burger King, I’d probably stab myself.

That is just me though.

7. What is the most important thing for you to consider when choosing a prostitute?

One of the easiest questions I will possibly field ever. I think that, oh wait a minute. Is this a human or an animal prostitute?

Doctor N.C. Heere is a noted practitioner of unsolicited consultation. His advice column is published monthly.

If you would like to ask the good doctor a question, send your letters to: thetuna666@yahoo.com

(Reprinted from former blog)