Angry Seafood

It is inevitable that there will be Star Trek films made well into in the future. I think even if we all blew each other up with nukes, the humans in 2130 would then act them out using sticks and stones. Einstein said we would be fighting in this way in World War Four. He never dreamed we would put on a rendition of a Star Trek sequel instead.

So I figure at some point I will get to write a Star Trek script. I must be prepared. Not only should I have a plotline in mind, but I have to be sure to cover ground my predecessors have not walked upon.

I give you ‘Star Trek XXXVI: The Search for and Wrath of Chekhov’

Catchy isn’t it? The name rolls off your tongue like the finest box wine.

The movie opens at the Interstellar Space Retirement Mobile Home Park. The crew of the Enterprise is sitting around on the bridge discussing something important.

Picard: “What is your favorite cover song? Number One your answer?”
Number One: “I think we should bat this around with the crew first.”
Worf: “The Klingon Code requires that I do not answer that question.”
Picard:” Code? I don’t understand.”
Worf: “It is a long-standing tradition….”

Twenty minutes later he finishes rambling and the question comes to Data.

Data: “I have processed the various frequencies and variations of the minutia as well as the minutiae and have determined the subsequent coaxial of the variables…”
Picard: “Your point?”
Data: “I believe I can remake any song as the ultimate musical masterpiece.”
Picard: “Show me.”

So they load Neo up and everyone runs in to the control room to see him fight Morpheus…hold on wrong movie sorry.

Data plays his remake of Anita Ward’s ‘Ring My Bell’. Horrific screeching and banging fill the air. The crew’s ears are bleeding.

Chekhov suddenly jumps up and yells “They have creatures…in our ears!” and runs out the bridge door screaming and clutching his ears. He arrives at an unguarded airlock and proceeds to jump out into space, perishing instantly. While doing so, some very expensive computer hardware got sucked out as well. This was at the worst time because the starship payment was due next week. The last thing the crew needed was to shell out more money. Their social security checks barely cover the bills as it is.

To make matters worse, the transporter was one of the pieces of equipment and everyone knows how much of a pain in the ass it is to land a starship. If the bathrooms were to fail, for example, they would be screwed.

Chekhov’s remains land on the Genesis planet, where he regenerates and grows up all over again. This time however he is subjected to non-stop repeats of ‘Umbrella’ and the chorus of ‘Big Girls Don’t Cry’ sung in French by an off-key tenor. This drives him mad causing him to head up an evil reign of terror in the universe.

Meanwhile, the crew of the Enterprise gets wind of this news and heads to the Genesis planet. They want their money back and are one pissed-off crew. Starfleet also hears about it and sends a ragtag bumbling group of misfit cadets to investigate the situation.

The cadets get to the Genesis planet but being that they always screw things up, get taken hostage by Chekhov and his not-so merry band of followers, Bavarian midgets angry at Da Man.

Chekhov makes it a point to put grub worms in their ears. He wanted scary ones that would dig in their ears and possess their mind but the local conditions are not good for that kind of species. He did however grow the grubs to be four feet long.

Of course this would cause the host to explode instantly once it burrowed into the ear canal, which isn’t good for Chekhov’s cause. Killing the hostages doesn’t help leverage. But Starfleet doesn’t know this and he takes advantage of their ignorance.

The Starfleet Hostage Reclamation Team shows up and engages Chekhov in a starship battle. In the middle of all this the Enterprise shows up with all kinds of police and lawyers.

During the climactic finale, Chekhov sneaks onto the Enterprise after eating Taco Bell and clogs every toilet on the starship. He is caught and arrested after an epic gunfight.

The battle then moves to the courtroom where it drags on and on for centuries.

In the end the lawyers have all the money, Starfleet files for bankruptcy, the case is dropped by reason of insanity and the Enterprise is still waiting for their insurance claim on the lost equipment and the transporter to be processed. They also have to pee really really bad.

The End

(Reprinted from former blog)

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