Angry Seafood

Did people do this 2,000 years ago? No, not have sex you idiot, I’m talking about dirty snow sculptures.

History leaves out a lot of these kinds of details, like who penned the first fart gag. Did people in ancient Greece write their buddy’s names and phone number on the bathroom stall as a gag? Of course not, they didn’t have telephones back then, but I guess you could have used their stone mail address.

I wonder…how did the Great Pyramid become the best one. I would imagine the conversation going something like this:

“You know Pharaoh, we could poll people and find out which pyramid truly is the best.” stated the assistant.
“How would we do that?” asked the Pharaoh.
“The internet silly” replied the assistant.

Of course that was the last thing the assistant said. He was killed for talking about something that didn’t exist. Ok, I’m kidding, the Pharaoh whacked him for calling him silly.

What about the jokes? One Phoenician is walking down the street, stops another and says “what’s that on your toga?”, then places the pointing finger on the person’s chest. I think you get where this one goes. Who knows when this old gag started out but I’m guessing it was before the age of napkins.

Did racial or religious jokes exist back then? “Hey Ferdinand did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the Inquisition? Man, it’s a killer!” Judging from how history has played out, I’m going to bet the farm that we have always done this.

That same history we were taught in school didn’t answer any questions either. We learned that the past was a magical time of dragons and everyone was happily farming. In other places giant people wore togas and meet in big buildings to decide on things. Then they would pick Christians up and eat them like animal crackers, legs first so they don’t run away. Meanwhile, a man named after a cartoon character wrote two parts of a trilogy but tragically died before the third installment could be written.

We never may know the answer to who wrote the first fart joke. Or how well it was received, no pun intended.

(Reprinted from the former blog)

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Homelessness is a growing problem and nobody seems to want to do anything about it. I am not one of these people, I care. So I devised what I feel is a humane and fair way to solve the issue, while at the same time providing housing and the comfortable lifestyle homeless people are used to. It is a win-win for everyone.

Did I mention the costs are relatively low?
I introduce to you my state of the art concept: Hobo Haven.

When a homeless person first arrives at the island they are given a plethora of cardboard to create their very own modular home. They get the choice of any free plot of land on the isle and are free to construct their dwelling using any means they like. Generally, the inhabitants tend to group together, creating neighborhood or cliques as seen in the photo below.

There are no zoning laws in Hobo Haven however, so the homeless are free to design their dream property any way they choose. If they want to use duct tape to hold their modular home together they are free to do so. Building a ten story cardboard monstrosity is not a problem. The residents here will not petition some neighborhood nanny committee. There will never be a need or a request for any kind of zoning rule hearing or any questioning of building specifications. Hobo Haven is all about freedom.

Another key point of Hobo Haven is the distribution center, located in the middle of the island. Located next to the ’40 and Wine’ retail outlet, the cart will provide the residents with things like toothbrushes and paper bags for wine bottles. There are also four clothing bins for any fashion emergency. In addition to this, the world’s fine dining restaurants will drop off their leftovers into very pristine dumpsters for the inhabitants of Hobo Haven to feast on.

Supply deliveries will be via weekly air drops, and some of the residents will be required to get the supplies to their respective distribution areas. This will operate on a rotation basis among the populace.

Some of the other features include a beautiful park to pass out drunk in. Plenty of bench space has been provided to accommodate every resident.

There is a great dental plan, tailored to meet the needs of the homeless. Extractions are half off and emergency care is 10% off on Thursdays and Saturdays.

I am a bit concerned about the initial testing though. Some time into the simulation, the homeless people became home…er…ahhh…more. They had a residence, let’s just say that. So then, actual homeless people moved onto the island and the formerly-homeless people started a petition and got the newer homeless people booted to another island.

They didn’t even give them cardboard. I may need to tweak this idea.

(Reprinted from the former blog)

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My friend Bill is not all there.

I am sure everyone has a crazy person in their life; someone who you are glad is on your side. They will probably spare your life if they ever do flip out because you are friends. Maybe.

So my out-there friend tells me yesterday after a bad day at his job: “I swear to God I am going to get them. One I am going to walk into my job with a gun, some twine, and circus peanuts…”

“Circus peanuts Bill?” I had to interrupt him and inquire about this part. The fun part about crazy friends is not that they are nuts but the little quirky things about their oddness.

“That’s the revenge part Chris. A person can only eat so many circus peanuts. I’m going to make them eat a whole bag until they throw up all over themselves. That will show them.”

“So what is the gun for?”

“Persuasion.”

I will concede this much about Bill, he pays attention to details. You need these skills working for the Postal Service after all.

(Reprinted from the former blog)

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Karaoke, the most shameless fad ever rose to fame in the 1980’s, and its demon spawn continues to roam the Earth in search of bad singing. Like Jason Voorhees, it comes back time and time again, each version worse then the previous one. The hysteria began to fade in the 90’s but during its reign over bar and club entertainment it created local musical celebrities.

A typical karaoke night consists of drunken office workers blowing off steam, drunken patrons blowing off steam, generally a lot of drinking. This is the foundation; it just doesn’t work when alcohol isn’t involved. You have to be under the influence to stand up in front of an equally-inebriated crowd to belt out songs nobody really liked in the first place.

The heck with the breathalyzer, the police should administer the Karaoke Test. I have even done the research:

Clearly you can see the relationship between surpassing the legal limit and the willingness to participate. Imagine the cops pull someone over, ask them to step out of the car, and then play ‘Love Train’ by the OJ’s over the intercom. It would reduce drunk driving dramatically.

But I’m jumping the gun here.

Amongst the crowd are a few people who treat the night like their big audition, the karaoke celebrities. They sit right by the ‘stage’ and get up every five songs to belt out one of the many renditions they perform every time. It’s their ‘set’ so to speak, and they are true professionals, with their sweat towel and bottled water. You have to keep the vocal chords moist of course.

The fad then moved into the home, and people gave karaoke machines and CD’s as really awful Christmas gifts. Before this happened, the only annoying thing about that magical day was the noises the toys made. You can’t turn off Cousin Sally for singing “La Isla La Bonita” five times in a row.

Along came American Idol and karaoke was re-invented by FOX. Singers with mediocre talent were competing with other nominal talent while being berated on their ability by the judges, and all for ad revenue. This time however, there was no alcohol involved. The home audience is allowed to drink though, as well as Paula Abdul.

Karaoke reached the crowing achievement recently, however with the advent of YouTube. Millions of people can believe they aren’t as much of a hack as they really are, without having to compete live against other people with fractions of musical talent. Again, alcohol is optional, but this works best late at night once Denny’s closes and the drunks are home.

And who knows where that will lead them. Perhaps they will get an agent, redo their look, lose some weight, and begin doing original numbers.

You do have to wonder if people doing this crap on YouTube really are amateurs. In the end this is just another audition for them I suppose, with sweat towel and bottled water in hand.

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