Posts from — August 2007

For years children have been exploited to manufacture goods. They get paid meager wages, work long hours in factories that aren’t well-ventilated, and with no lunch break. No recess either. Imagine your child denied of the playground. It is absolutely terrifying.

While the notion of seeing ten-year old Chinese children making the shower curtain I bought at Wal-Mart the other day is not pleasant, it is an eye-opener for me on a whole different level. Why the hell are they paying them as much as they do?

What kid wasn’t a go-fer for their parents growing up? What did I get for having to go to the store ten times a day for my lazy mom? A freaking dollar a week! Keep in mind this also included having to make my bed, clean my room, and make sure the Jesus statue was always facing the 38th parallel. Making shoes would have been like summer camp in the context of my childhood.

I cannot tell you the amount of times a fun play experience with friends doing kid stuff like building forts and having some form of physical injury occur was interrupted by the distant shout of my name. My mother had this voice that could be heard for miles. When she called my name it was like Tarzan calling for the creatures of the jungle. Nobody else’s mom had this ability, lucky me.

So the siren goes off, indicating it was time to get back to work.

What was my weekly wage called? An ‘allowance’, which is something that sounds like a very positive thing, but make no mistake about it; the root word ‘allow’ does not mean free money. There is always a catch whenever you get something in the workplace, especially when it came to child labor.

Me: “Can I go home (slash go out and play) early?”
Boss (slash Mom): “Sure, if you do this, this, and this first.”

I am sure many of us have heard that one before, and it always seems to be followed up with more tasks and chores. You end up leaving when you were supposed to originally. Or in my case, it would be raining by the time I got to go outside.

So I took my dollar a week for making 1,232 trips to the local store, going to the bank twice and filling prescriptions for relatives, all just a part of my seven-day workload.

Did kids picket as a result of these obvious harsh workplace infractions? Did children revolt? No and there is a good reason why.

Parents deliberately held back the facts about money management and what it all meant. I was given a dollar and suddenly became the nine-year-old Trump of the neighborhood. I even had that messed-up hairstyle, all kids did then, just less combed-over. Like the people in these third world countries, a dollar is more then I had before.

Then the rich kid in town shows up and my dollar looks like a penny. He is loaded and has all the best toys, the best clothes, and the killer bicycle.

There I am with my unicycle and some crappy strap-on roller skates. It took me five-hundred-and-thirty-four weeks of allowance money to get them but young Mr. Rockefeller of the damn neighborhood needed not do a single chore for his riches. I was like Cathy Bates’ character in Titanic but much smaller, male and much younger. I was no blue blood.

All of a sudden though, when this happened, the whole fallacy about money unraveled. I learned for the first time that a dollar is worth shit and that I have been working as hard as little Hajji making uniforms in Jordan for millions of United States children to wear to school, yet he probably made more than a dollar for forty hours of hard work. I, on the other hand was getting the shaft.

What did I do when I got my epiphany? I bought a set of earplugs with my hard-earned cash. It was my first lesson of capitalism: the lowest-paid do the most work so make sure you procrastinate or ignore as much work as possible.

“Sorry Mom I must have been out of shouting range.”

I have decided to give up the fight against the overwhelming evidence that global warming is caused by us.

Hey, I thought it was the sun. How silly I was to think the massive star with its inconsistent amounts of heat would have the greatest impact on climate and temperatures.

It is us stupid.

So what can we do to fight the problem of climate change?

We are carbon-based life forms and since CO2 is part carbon it must be our fault.

The first thing we must do is learn to exhale less. It is a hard road to take, I know but any journey starts with that first important step.

I recommend beginning with a breathing pace of two second intervals, then three, then four until you exhale as much CO2 as you would while sleeping or at rest.

Even this might not be enough so I would shoot for a goal of breathing intervals of eight to twenty seconds. With the addition of all the humans in the last decade, this would bring us in line with breathing levels in 1990.

The next step is to reduce farting.

All that methane gas is deadly for the planet so we need to ban beans, especially the baked kind. Farting is like yawning, if someone hears or smells it, they suddenly have the urge to ‘let one go’.

Therefore fart jokes are also banned.

We also need to get the animals involved.

They carelessly adapt to a constantly-changing climate leaving the burden on us to attempt to control nature. This is as fair as asking China to pay their fair share of the CO2 taxes.

We need to get these non-humans to foot their share of the bill. After all, animals invade our backyards, eat our garbage, and get in the way of our vehicles on the roads and highways. The last thing we need is more freeloading from them.

We also need to increase the MPG and the best way to get there is driving backwards.

It has been determined that driving in reverse uses less gas then going forward. I even tested the theory for six hours in a Jack-In-The-Box parking lot. I used .5 less gallons of gas in just six hours.

Imagine the savings multiplied by seven billion people.  I know, I am a genius.

So remember to fight global warming breath less, make animals pay taxes, and for the sake of the planet do not pull anyone’s finger anymore.

Humanity is counting on us.

We all wonder about things. Okay, perhaps I do more then most people, but sometimes simple tasks and routines beg for answers or twists. Of course, many will not actually seek them out. Someone must though if we are ever going to find out the pertinent information.

So the other day, as I finished taking a shower, I asked myself: “I wonder how long it would take to dry if I didn’t have a towel?” I am not talking about using an alternate, like paper towels or a face cloth. I mean just standing there and letting the amazing laws of physics work their magic.

Sounds boring right? Yes, actually it was, very boring indeed. Someone had to be the guinea pig.

I began the task by of course showering, but before that I brought in some reading material so I could keep occupied. There was no way I was just going to stand there and let my mind wander. It’s dangerous to do that because I just don’t know where it ends up.

My brain is a lot like the drunken friend you had in college that always ended up in the strangest of places on a nightly basis. One morning he is waking up in the monkey cage at the zoo, another night he’s passing out on the State House lawn. With a stripper.

So the shower ended and my experiment was underway. How long would this take? Would it be so boring I say screw it all and use a towel?

I begin dripping my way to answers. As the whole thing started I had this nagging feeling in my mind that I was forgetting something. You know the kind, the left the iron on one.

Still I pressed on. Whenever you take these kinds of challenges, there are sure to be pitfalls along the way.

I was still half-soaked by the time I had run out of reading material. My mind had already visited a Bangladesh cathouse that was also a petting zoo and tannery. I knew right then and there I was starving. This is what I must have forgotten to do.

As time dragged on I kept hearing my cell phone go off for what seemed like a million times. Who the hell keeps trying to call me?

Finally, after what seemed like hours and hours had passed the last drop of water evaporated and I was completely dry. I was now able to investigate why my phone was going crazy. I forgot to go to work! My experiment made for an interesting excuse but not very credible. Still, the feeling persisted that I missed a crucial detail.

The experiment was now complete and finally I was able to come to you now and report to you just how long it takes to drip-dry after a shower, sans towels. Well, I could have but I forgot to set a timer or even look at a clock before I started.

That’s what I forgot.

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[Humor-blogs.com has lots of funny blogs that have also showered.]

Did people do this 2,000 years ago? No, not have sex. I’m talking about dirty snow sculptures.

History leaves out a lot of these kinds of details, like who penned the first fart gag. Did people in ancient Greece write their buddy’s names and phone number on the bathroom stall? Of course not, they didn’t have telephones back then, butthey might have had stone mail.

That old gag.

How did the Great Pyramid become the best one for example?

Assistant: “You know Pharaoh, we could poll people and find out which pyramid truly is the best.”
Pharaoh: “How would we do that?”
Assistant: “The internet silly”

Of course that was the last thing the assistant said. He was killed for talking about something that didn’t exist. I’m kidding. The Pharaoh whacked him for calling him silly.

What about the jokes?

One Phoenician is walking down the street, stops another and says “what’s that on your toga?” then places the pointing finger on the person’s chest. I think you get where this one goes. Who knows when that old gag started out but I am guessing it was before the age of napkins.

Did racial or religious jokes exist back then?

“Hey Ferdinand did you hear the one about the Jew, the Catholic, and the Inquisition? Man, it’s a killer!”

Judging from how history has played out, I’m going to bet the farm that we have always done this.

That same history we were taught in school didn’t answer any questions either. We learned that the past was a magical time of dragons and everyone was happily farming. In other places giant people wore togas and meet in big buildings to decide on things. Then they would pick Christians up and eat them like animal crackers, legs first so they don’t run away. Meanwhile, a man named after a cartoon character wrote two parts of a trilogy but tragically died before the third installment could be written.

We never may know the answer to who wrote the first fart joke or how well it was received, no pun intended.

Homelessness is a growing problem and nobody seems to want to do anything about it. I am not one of these people.

I care.

So I devised what I feel is a humane and fair way to solve the issue, while at the same time providing housing and the comfortable lifestyle homeless people are used to. It is a win-win for everyone.

Did I mention the costs are relatively low?

I introduce to you my state of the art concept: Hobo Haven.

When a homeless person first arrives at the island they are given a plethora of cardboard to create their very own modular home. They get the choice of any free plot of land on the isle and are free to construct their dwelling using any means they like. Generally, the inhabitants tend to group together, creating neighborhood or cliques as seen in the photo below.

There are no zoning laws in Hobo Haven however, so the homeless are free to design their dream property any way they choose. If they want to use duct tape to hold their modular home together they are free to do so. Building a ten story cardboard monstrosity is not a problem. The residents here will not petition some neighborhood nanny committee. There will never be a need or a request for any kind of zoning rule hearing or any questioning of building specifications. Hobo Haven is all about freedom.

Another key point of Hobo Haven is the distribution center, located in the middle of the island. Located next to the 40 and Wine retail outlet, the cart will provide the residents with things like toothbrushes and paper bags for wine bottles. There are also four clothing bins for any fashion emergency. In addition to this, the world’s fine dining restaurants will drop off their leftovers into very pristine dumpsters for the inhabitants of Hobo Haven to feast on.

Supply deliveries will be via weekly air drops, and some of the residents will be required to get the supplies to their respective distribution areas. This will operate on a rotation basis among the populace.

Some of the other features include a beautiful park to pass out drunk in. Plenty of bench space has been provided to accommodate every resident.

There is a great dental plan, tailored to meet the needs of the homeless. Extractions are half off and emergency care is 10% off on Thursdays and Saturdays.

I am a bit concerned about the initial testing though. Some time into the simulation, the homeless people became home…er…ahhh…more. They had a residence, let’s just say that. So then, actual homeless people moved onto the island and the formerly-homeless people started a petition and got the newer homeless people booted to another island.

They didn’t even give them cardboard. I may need to tweak this idea.

My friend Bill is not all there.

I am sure everyone has a crazy person in their life, someone who you are glad is on your side. They will probably spare your life if they ever do flip out because you are friends.

Maybe.

So my out-there friend tells me yesterday after a bad day at his job: “I swear to God I am going to get them. One day I am going to walk into my job with a gun, some twine, and circus peanuts–”

“Circus peanuts Bill?” I had to interrupt him and inquire about this part. The fun part about crazy friends is not that they are nuts. It is the quirky things about their oddness that’s most fascinating.

“That’s the revenge part Chris. A person can only eat so many circus peanuts. I’m going to make them eat a whole bag until they throw up all over themselves. That will show them.”

“So what is the gun for?”

“Persuasion.”

I will concede this much about Bill, he pays attention to details. Good thing too, because that’s a trait he uses daily at his job at the post office.

Karaoke, the most shameless fad ever rose to fame in the 1980’s, and its demon spawn continues to roam the Earth in search of bad singing.

Like Jason Voorhees, it comes back time and time again, each version worse then the previous one. The hysteria began to fade in the 90’s but during its reign over bar and club entertainment it created local musical celebrities.

A typical karaoke night usually consisted of drunken office workers blowing off steam, drunken patrons also blowing off steam and generally a ton of drinking. This was the foundation.  It just didn’t work when alcohol wasn’t involved. You had to be under the influence to stand up in front of an equally-inebriated crowd to belt out off-key renditions of “Born to Be Wild”.

The heck with the breathalyzer, the police should administer the Karaoke Test. I have even done the research:

Clearly you can see the relationship between surpassing the legal limit and the willingness to get up in front of a crowd to sing “Living on a Prayer”.

Imagine the cops pulling someone over, asking them to step out of the car, and then playing “Love Train” by the OJ’s over the intercom. The police would no longer need a breathalyzer.

But I’m jumping the gun here.

Always amongst the crowd were those few people who treated the night like it was their big audition. They were the karaoke celebrities.

These people sat right by the “stage” and got up every five songs or so to belt out classic tunes, much like Barry Manilow does these days. It was their “set” so to speak, and they were true professionals, even bringing a sweat towel and bottled water.

You have to keep the vocal chords moist of course.

The fad then moved into the home, and people gave karaoke machines as really awful Christmas gifts. Before this happened, the only annoying thing about that magical day was the noises the toys made. You can’t turn off Cousin Sally while singing “La Isla La Bonita” five times in a row. She is family after all.

Then along came FOX’s American Idol, re-inventing the concept of karaoke. People with mediocre talent competed with other nominal talent while being berated on their lack of singing ability by the judges, and all for ad revenue. This time however, there was no alcohol involved. The home audience was allowed to drink though, as well as Paula Abdul.

Karaoke reached the crowing achievement however with the advent of YouTube. It led even millions more people into believing they aren’t as much of a musical hack as they really are all without having to compete live against other people with fractional amounts of musical talent singing other people’s songs.

Again, alcohol is optional, but this works best late at night once Denny’s closes and the drunks are home.

You do have to wonder if people doing this crap on YouTube really are amateurs. But who knows where that will lead them. Perhaps they will get an agent, redo their look, lose some weight, and begin doing original numbers.

In the end this is just another audition for them I suppose, with sweat towel and bottled water in hand.

Not anymore, now it’s called Planet Google in the world of tomorrow! The ubiquitous search engine has become the WalMart of the internet. At some point though they will run out of web companies and concepts to capitalize on. At some point they will turn to reality and the opportunities are endless.

Of course everyone will hail this as some sort of revolution of internet business: a company started online become a brick and mortar one. That is the visionary equivalent of when MTV 2 came out and everyone called it an incredible new idea. A channel that shows just music videos?

Revolutionary!

Planet Google could be interesting in ninety-three years….cue the wavy flash forward visual effects please.

Everyone uses digital time pieces called Google Time. Great for asking how long until thirty minutes go by. The only drawback is nobody knows what time it is unless they Google it.

All the trees were cut down years ago because people believed it would stop Google Warming. Unfortunately the search engine giant rumbles on like an animal lumbering through the forest.

The restaurant industry has become one giant chain…Google Food. Every single option is open to you, from Thai to Mexican. Just don’t drink the water if you go with the latter option.

Need something to do in the world of tomorrow? Simply call upon Google Recreation, the world’s largest travel agent, hotel chain, and airline. They also cater. I highly recommend the canolis.

There is no need to go to school when there is Google Kindergarden, Google Elementary, etc… Home schoolers will love this future, no more scary public schools where everyone fights with each other and sports teaches children to be competitive.

Google Fake Number exists for those annoying times when the guy in the bar is too persistent. But on the plus side, the service also directly connects the rejected men to Google Porn.

One thing that has changed is that cybersex now has its own pitfall: Google AIDS. There is also Google Crime but they are countered by the Google Police.

Unfortunately if you live in China in the future this is all moot. All you will have is Google search engine, censored of course. Enjoy the lolcats pictures in 2100 China.

“Be prepared!” That was the slogan of those old Boy Scout ads. They took you camping. They showed you how to tie thirty different knots. They showed you their…okay maybe that wasn’t everyone’s experience.

Why would you ever need to know how to tie all those knots? Is there suddenly going to be a disaster and you will be forced to live on a schooner? The Scouts basically teach you how to survive in the woods if you consider a campground with 30 other people survival. It’s like kindergarten for the Elite Forces.

Still, they make a good attempt to get us kids to think about this kind of stuff. With the way the world is these days I think we all could use survival techniques.

The Boy Scouts have nothing on a woman’s purse though. Every possible outcome to any combination of events and causality is specifically planned and accounted for. You think I am kidding? Look at this example:

Looks like nothing right? Guess again! Now check it out when we examine the contents:

A. Holy water in case of visit by Pope
B. Disposable camera in case the person carrying the Olympic Torch runs by.
C. Solar eclipse viewer in case the Moon moves between the Earth and the Sun
D. Antidote for accidental ingestion of locoweed

And these are just four examples. There are more contingency plans in those two bags then all the preparedness of the worlds’ governments combined.

This also teaches us why women flip out sometimes when something happens. Life finally threw a curve ball at them not covered by their purse. But rest assured that when that happens you can be sure the handbag will get a little heavier to account for the newly discovered variable of life.