Angry Seafood

Unlike joining the Catholic or Jewish religions, becoming involved in the Jehovah’s Witness faith demands much more from its members. Anyone looking to join this cult, whoops I meant established religion must be mentally and physically prepared for what lies ahead.

The first thing is that you need to be from a small family or one that isn’t close. You see, the cult, damnit, religion stresses radical inclusiveness. When you begin to shut the non-Witnesses out of your life this will be an easy step to make. I encourage orphans to apply immediately.

The next step is to be annoying. The cult, grrr, sorry I can’t help it, religion requires this. If you like to wake people up early in the morning to answer questions burning on everyone’s mind at that hour like why birthdays are so bad and how come Christmas is evil then this religion is for you.

Another key trait is to be obsessive-compulsive. If you are the type that will eat, breath, and sleep a concept, drug, addiction, whatever, you are on your way to success as a Jehovah’s Witness. Imagine spending every day trolling the neighborhoods for new minions to add to the Borg Collective. You could even role-play it that way! On second thought, scratch that. You do want to be let into people’s homes after all. The last thing you need is another blip on the crazy radar.

That is all there is to it. It doesn’t take much to be a Witness because they pretty much accept anyone. There’s no competition or any kind of difficult test, so rest assured once you drink the kool-aid you are in. Too many organizations these days have all these rules and standards, it is refreshing there is a place in these picky times we live in for criminals, wife beaters, kid touchers, and other ‘alternate’ lifestyles that usually involve jail time and counseling.

Well, except gay people. This is religion we are talking about, not progress.

And once you have been given your head-dunking membership rite in some polluted pond, you are now a full-fledged member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses for life! Or until you are shunned, but why dwell on the negative during this time of celebration, right?

So what kinds of benefits will you receive?

The first is very important. You are now allowed into heaven. You have a golden ticket, where the snozzberries taste like snozzberries. No other religion has this exclusivity either. Oh sure they tell you that you will get in but The Witnesses promise it. I saw the ticket. It was quite nice with a cool symbol of God and Jesus. The seats were really good too.

Another benefit will be home schooling. Of course, now that you are a Witness, you do want to have as little contact as possible with the outside world as it is evil and will corrupt your soul. Plus, you will want to control what your children learn. Thinking and questioning things are bad. Putting a stop to critical thinking is equally vital because it goes against what you believe. You do not want to be shunned, so home schooling is your best option.

A great bonus is that it is no longer necessary to have children play sports because there are no home school sports leagues, thus little pressure on you to allow your children any unnecessary contact with the evil society around you. Sports are bad because it teaches how to work as a group, that most times you win or lose because of your actions and that life and getting ahead is based on competition. All that gets in the way of recruitment, the lifeblood of your cult.

So enjoy your fascinating and hypnotizing journey on your way to becoming a Jehovah’s Witnesses. It is a magical time and hopefully you are more prepared for a special time in your life when you get duped into joining a cult, I mean established religion.

(Reprinted from former blog)

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You have all seen the gloom and doom stories and headlines in the mainstream media about global warming, or as they like to say nowadays: climate change. Well, they do it for the money, but what about other sources, ones that aren’t considered news or science? How will they look to ride the rainbow of Gorebal Warming Theory all the way to the pot of gold?

Cosmopolitan: “How to tell if Global Warming is impacting your Relationship”

Sports Illustrated: “Swimsuit Shoot Moving to Alaska in 2050”

Family Circle: “Ten Great Recipes for a Summer Barbeque in a Warmer World”

Travel: “Ten Hot Artic Vacations for 2020”

PC Magazine: “New Software Uploads Carbon Emissions”

Better Homes and Gardens: “Sequestering Carbon at Home”

Good Housekeeping: “Great Recipes for Year-Round Outdoor Grilling”

Men’s Health: “Staying Buff for Longer Summers”

Hustler: “How to Pick Up Chicks that Are Into Global Warming”

Teen: “Like is Dashboard Confessional Gonna Play in the Global Warming Concert?”

(Reprinted from former blog)

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Part One of ‘The Three-Story Beer Funnel from Hell’

There it was, our addition to college folklore. What looked like a plastic tube dangling from the great beyond with an on/off switch over a 50 gallon trash became our signature. The only thing left was to determine the specific dangerous quantity of Golden Anniversary beer the funnel would accommodate. (I always recommend cheap beer for funnels of this size. The store was out of Natural Light that day I think.)

“So how many beers you think this will hold?” I asked.
“I don’t know, 3 or 4.”

The correct answer was six-and-a-half beers. Not just a six pack mind you, but half a beer more. As if six hours of alcohol processing wasn’t enough, we threw in an extra half an hour. The best part was the instant gratification of consuming half a night’s intake of beer in less then one minute.

I have to say we were cutting edge, we saw that trend coming over a decade ago. We were all mostly marketing and advertising majors after all.

For the record I never did the funnel and I never was a person who consumed alcohol in quick and copious amounts. Besides, we are talking about a six pack of beer going into your body at once. I loved partying in college, but I learned early on pacing yourself is much better. You won’t die or end up doing crap you either forgot or regretted. The best part is you are always less messed up then your friends so you get to watch them do silly and stupid things. It’s like a live version of a drunken reality show.

One thing we didn’t take into account during the creation of our monstrosity was the law of gravity. Seventy-eight ounces of beer falls at 32 feet per second. Granted, not all the beer is three stories above the ground floor, but there is also pressure to consider as well as the small tubing diameter which helps speed up the process.

I know you didn’t come here for a lecture on science principles. Let me put it to you this way: once the switch was thrown, there was no stopping the six and a half pack from blasting down the tube into your mouth. Doing this funnel was an alcohol commitment and at the same time, the college equivalent of skydiving with a sometimes-faulty parachute. Actually, I think jumping out of a perfectly good airplane is probably less risky.

Of course the funnel became this circus sideshow any time we had a social gathering. People lined up to do the damn thing and at least say they tried. Some actually succeeded and lived to tell about it.

Thankfully no one died.

(Reprinted from the former blog)

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Ah, what a fun concept. Because I have no backbone, I will not be posting my answers to the actual question but rather here where they won’t be subjected to the scrutiny of political correctness. I also have an email account that’s been there for about nine years and I don’t want to get banned.

The questions are all real.

“I am 15 years old and sadly im an alcoholic i juss recently got caught for the first time in 2 years and i now am tryin to stop so what are ways i can get over it with out meetings or phone meetings??? I need help bad”

Yes you do because at fifteen there are clearly no problems worth drinking over. Get clean and sober and wait until you are an adult with real issues. You will find the habit to be much more fulfilling then as you most likely will struggle with financial matters and annoying children. I know people say alcoholism can kill you but it’s a lot more fun to die of that as opposed to a heart attack. But not when you are fifteen.

“How Many Wrestlers Can You Name That Are Christian?”

I have no idea but at the rate these guys drop from steroid abuse, I’m guessing they all should be believing in a higher power because unlike the rest of us, they don’t have a 70-year lifespan.

My question is which is greater, the number of wrestlers who died from steroids or the amount of Christians in the industry?

“What is one thing you are doing to stop Global Warming?”

How very trendy of this person. If everyone who believed in global warming were removed from the planet it would reduce the population to the point where natural climate change wouldn’t bother us. I am not in favor of killing people or actually going through with this odd plan. I’m just saying.

(Reprinted from former blog)

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