Preparing to be a Jehovah’s Witness

Original Humor by Chris Cameron

20 Jul

Preparing to be a Jehovah’s Witness

Posted on 2007 under Politics/Religion |

jw01 Unlike joining the Catholic or Jewish religions, becoming involved in the Jehovah’s Witness faith demands much more from its members. Anyone looking to join this cult, whoops I meant established religion must be mentally and physically prepared for what lies ahead.

The first thing is that you need to be from a small family or one that isn’t close. You see, the cult, damnit, religion stresses radical inclusiveness. When you begin to shut the non-Witnesses out of your life this will be an easy step to make. I encourage orphans to apply immediately.

The next step is to be annoying. The cult, grrr, sorry I can’t help it, religion requires this. If you like to wake people up early in the morning to answer questions burning on everyone’s mind at that hour like why birthdays are so bad and how come Christmas is evil then this religion is for you.

Another key trait is to be obsessive-compulsive. If you are the type that will eat, breath, and sleep a concept, drug, addiction, whatever, you are on your way to success as a Jehovah’s Witness. Imagine spending every day trolling the neighborhoods for new minions to add to the Borg Collective. You could even role-play it that way! On second thought, scratch that. You do want to be let into people’s homes after all. The last thing you need is another blip on the crazy radar.

That is all there is to it. It doesn’t take much to be a Witness because they pretty much accept anyone. There’s no competition or any kind of difficult test, so rest assured once you drink the kool-aid you are in. Too many organizations these days have all these rules and standards, it is refreshing there is a place in these picky times we live in for criminals, wife beaters, kid touchers, and other ‘alternate’ lifestyles that usually involve jail time and counseling.

Well, except gay people. This is religion we are talking about, not progress.

And once you have been given your head-dunking membership rite in some polluted pond, you are now a full-fledged member of the Jehovah’s Witnesses for life! Or until you are shunned, but why dwell on the negative during this time of celebration, right?

So what kinds of benefits will you receive?

The first is very important. You are now allowed into heaven. You have a golden ticket, where the snozzberries taste like snozzberries. No other religion has this exclusivity either. Oh sure they tell you that you will get in but The Witnesses promise it. I saw the ticket. It was quite nice with a cool symbol of God and Jesus. The seats were really good too.

Another benefit will be home schooling. Of course, now that you are a Witness, you do want to have as little contact as possible with the outside world as it is evil and will corrupt your soul. Plus, you will want to control what your children learn. Thinking and questioning things are bad. Putting a stop to critical thinking is equally vital because it goes against what you believe. You do not want to be shunned, so home schooling is your best option.

A great bonus is that it is no longer necessary to have children play sports because there are no home school sports leagues, thus little pressure on you to allow your children any unnecessary contact with the evil society around you. Sports are bad because it teaches how to work as a group, that most times you win or lose because of your actions and that life and getting ahead is based on competition. All that gets in the way of recruitment, the lifeblood of your cult.

So enjoy your fascinating and hypnotizing journey on your way to becoming a Jehovah’s Witnesses. It is a magical time and hopefully you are more prepared for a special time in your life when you get duped into joining a cult, I mean established religion.

(Reprinted from former blog)