The Three Story Beer Funnel from Hell Conclusion

[Read Part One of 'The Three-Story Beer Funnel from Hell']

There it was, our addition to college folklore. What looked like a plastic tube dangling from the great beyond with an on/off switch over a 50 gallon trash became our signature. The only thing left was to determine the specific dangerous quantity of Golden Anniversary beer the funnel would accommodate. (I always recommend cheap beer for funnels of this size. The store was out of Natural Light that day I think.)

“So how many beers you think this will hold?” I asked.
“I don’t know, 3 or 4.”

The correct answer was six-and-a-half beers. Not just a six pack mind you, but half a beer more. As if six hours of alcohol processing wasn’t enough, we threw in an extra thirty minutes. The best part was the instant gratification of consuming half a night’s intake of beer in less then one minute.

I have to say we were cutting edge, we saw that trend coming over a decade ago. We were all mostly marketing and advertising majors after all.

For the record I never did the funnel and I never was a person who consumed alcohol in quick and copious amounts. Besides, we are talking about a six pack of beer going into your body at once. I loved partying in college, but I learned early on pacing yourself is much better. You won’t die or end up doing crap you either forgot or regretted. The best part is you are always less messed up then your friends so you get to watch them do silly and stupid things. It’s like a live version of a drunken reality show.

One thing we didn’t take into account during the creation of our monstrosity was the law of gravity. Seventy-eight ounces of beer falls at 32 feet per second. Granted, not all the beer is three stories above the ground floor, but there is also pressure to consider as well as the small tubing diameter which helps speed up the process.

I know you didn’t come here for a lecture on science principles.

Let me put it to you this way: once the switch was thrown, there was no stopping the six and a half pack from blasting down the tube into your mouth. Doing this funnel was an alcohol commitment and at the same time, the college equivalent of skydiving with a sometimes-faulty parachute. Actually, I think jumping out of a perfectly good airplane is probably less risky.

Of course the funnel became this circus sideshow any time we had a social gathering. People lined up to do the damn thing to puke their guts out and say at least they tried. Some actually succeeded and lived to tell about it.

Thankfully no one died.

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