Aliens and Math

Original Humor by Chris Cameron

30 Jun

Posted on 2007 under Miscellany of Humor |

If sentient beings think like our scientists we are screwed, but I do not know if it is as much as a dropped call to Planet Zuranus, or as annoying as aliens in togas and sandals imitating Jerry Lewis and making fart noises. More on that last part Friday.

So, an alien ship flies all the way over to Earth. They must be very advanced in science which requires being good at math also if they made it to our planet. Since math is a language, why not talk to them using Pi.

If the aliens are dumb, if they are as good at math as the general human populace, there will be trouble.

Us: “Pi…Pi…Pi”
Glop: “Why they keep repeat stupid number! It not even whole! Ready planet destroyer weapon!”
Grim: “Die evil species!”
Us: “How come they don’t understand us? Perhaps their technology was build by someone else or they are French. Ah well, blow them up if they don’t surrender.”

If the aliens are super-smart, they might respond to us like this:

Grim: “…and I said Trilizion Galactium? It damn near killed him!”
Glop: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha Grim you joker you…Hey we got a message from that planet we have been watching.”
Message from Earth: “Pi…Pi….Pi….Pi”
Glop: “Why do they keep repeating a number that has only 743,000 repeating decimal places Grim?”
Grim: “Perhaps they not as intelligent as we believed. Based on their technology I would never have guessed they have the brains of their cousin the monkey. Perhaps another race preceded them and built everything.”
Glop: “So, check them off under ‘Slave Planet’?”
Grim: “Sure, why not. Make sure to get plenty of those people that keep crossing over from that one country into the other for jobs. They work hard.”

Or what if they decide to communicate to random people on the planet using the same strategy?

Grim: “Ok sending the math message in our standard 3×3 format to that human below…”
Human: “I love Sudoku!”
Glop: “Take her. She can work in our accounting department.”

Glop: “Pi…Pi…Pi…”
Human: “Dude I love trivia! Don’t tell me, I know this one! Give me a minute, on the tip of my tongue…”
Grim: “Take him. Nobody will believe his story once we are done with the anal probing.”

I wonder if this whole Pi thing is some kind of conspiracy by mathematicians and accountants. If I went to Italy, for instance, I wouldn’t go up to a local and start repeating a number based on the fact that science is universal. I would do what every other American would do, I would yell really loudly because foreigners understand you better.

Grim: “Hello citizens of Earth”
Glop: “Grim why are they yelling Pi?”

(Reprinted from the former blog)